My Journey of Motherhood - Week 11 - Reality check time - Mommy Profiling

Once the colic phase had passed - I got a chance to discuss this job opportunity (well you can say prospective opportunity as nothing was in hand yet) with my mum.The reason I wanted to ask her was that I felt I might be too desperate to jump on anything that can take me away from home at that moment...I might think very selfishly and I didn't want to take a decision in any haste.I had started to feel insecure about how will I be able to cope up with a job if I take a break for too long...and I did not want people at home to take me for granted...which tends to happen when you are a stay at home mom.

Mumma was clear as always - she told me to join only if I think I will be able to manage both work and the baby as this was the time my baby needs me the most...once he grows up he will not need me as much but now was the time I had to focus on him more than anything else....job can wait...but she said if you get a good option in terms of work flexibility there is no harm in joining...which made me feel better...it eased out the desperation in me and made me calm down and think with a cool mind.at times you get so carried away with your personal insecurities that you tend to overlook the obvious...which was exactly what I was doing.I had to stop....give my best to my current priority i.e Riaan and rest everything had to managed where in I can give quality time to him and manage my work along side.

So clear in my mind I called up the HR guy hoping to discuss the same with him but Voila....the job was already taken and he said sorry mam...for a second I went back to my old self blaming myself for missing it out...then I took a deep breath...recalled what mum told me and I said to myself - it's ok...may be for the better...I just need to relax...enjoy these moments I have to chill with Riaan and we'll get back to work when the time is right.(But this keeda to go out and do something was there in me bigitme...so eventually I tried a lot of things..but that comes later)

Surprisingly I got a call from the HR guy again 2 days later and he wanted me to come and meet their function head...and I was like wasn't the opening closed already...to which he said...our VP wants to meet you and I was like ok...(my hopes were high again :) so I got ready to meet...feeling a bit guilty already about leaving my baby behind for a job which was still not exactly mine but you know that feeling when you are suddenly positive about getting what you want.I reached their office waiting for the "Boss" to come...and Wooowwww...he turns out to be my ex-boss from an organization where I was working before I worked for Citi.Aaaahh....that's why he wanted to meet me...my hopes were all the more high now...he knows me...he called me to meet him...probably he will give me the job I thought....but well our conversation went something like this:

ME:Hello sir! Wow...It's you?? It's so good to see you after all this while. (I had to lie...trying to please the ex-boss to convert him into my current one ;)

HIM:Hello :) oh Yes! the moment I saw your CV I just had to meet you. But as sources tell me you have a small baby...how do you plan to work now?

ME:I have support at home sir...should be able to manage but I will need some flexibility from your side too.

HIM:Hmmm...ok..so since we have worked together and you are well aware of the kind of profile we have...I don;t think we need to discuss anything else. So what are your expectations in terms of CTC?

ME: (Jumping out of joy...wow...ctc...he is going to hire me for sure) well I would say at least a 40% hike (I wanted to give it a shot...I'm a horrible negotiator but I had to take a chance)

HIM: (eyes wide open) what?? who gives 40% hike...the max we can offer is 30%...plus you were on a break since almost last 1 year...that gap will effect your performance

ME:SHOCKED...(it took me a while to comprehend this) this gap certainly does not effect my experience or my skill when it comes to the work I have been doing for past 7 years...

HIM: (being diplomatic) hmmm...let me see what we can do...are you sure you will be able to manage to give the kind of work commitment required here...you have a small baby?? 

ME: sir...as I said I might need some flexibility but I can assure you I will not let it hamper my work.

Meeting over...he asked me to check with him on the job status by the end of the week. In my mind I was sure he will not give me anything...the way he brought up these issues like one year gap and work commitment with a baby...I mean I never really understood why the hell did he even call me for a meeting.

This meeting taught me something - what working mothers go through - even if they leave behind everything and just stick to work they are still questioned about their sincerity and work commitment...I never see that happening with a father.It was a reality check for me that it will not be easy for me to find a job on my terms but nevertheless I won't give up. It also lead me to do some research on how things are otherwise with new moms when it comes to finding jobs and thats when I came across this phrase - "Mommy Profiling"! Mommy Profiling is defined as "employment discrimination against woman who has, or will have, children." So yes there is a real thing which has a problem with women being mothers..not just in India...it's prevalent across the world...and I thought we are moving towards equality..yeah right...in my dreams I guess!

When I got back home...I looked at Riaan and I hope he never has to face these kind of people (which is inevitable I know)...I just wanted to keep his innocence intact...he had started to smile now and that sweet genuine smile...I did not want it to go away ever...and especially not because of these goons.

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 10 - Enters the monster - Colic!!

Colic - one word every new mother has heard of but you never expect it will happen to your baby...natural human instinct...we always wish the best things to happen to our babies and the worst to stay away! So when Riaan had his first colicy episode - back in Agra (remember the crazy crying) - I had no clues what it was and the last thing that came to my mind was colic.We had happily come to my mom's place post our Agra trip - I wanted to discuss this job thingy with my mum and obviously its always good to be back :)

Since we had started to travel with Riaan now, I was hoping this week to be much like normal where I will be able to go out for a while..meet some friends and basically spend some happy time!The day we reached we were all too exhausted so we slept during the day but the very next day my little one had a scary surprise for me. He wasn't sleeping...like a max 20 min nap after bath and he was fussy for no reason...I thought may be he is finding this place new so he is not comfortable...I tried my best to comfort him...I stayed around him all the time...but no...he was still cranky.

On thing that always worked was carrying him in my arms...it was working now too...but the problem was that the moment I was keeping him down he was crying like crazy...I was like whats with him...why has he turned into a howling baby all of a sudden?? My mom suggested to give him some boiled water with fennel seeds (sauf ka pani as we all commonly know it) which should help if he has some gas. Now babies are known to be gassy...they pass a lot of gas and which is supposed to be good and healthy...but obviously if they do not pass it then it's a sign of trouble..so I tried that...he had the water but no result.

After a while we tried giving him milk...he had his usual quantity and was asking for more...so my mum said may be he is hungry and he has been crying for so long...you should give him more milk...so I did...and wow he had double the  quantity he usually has...but he was suddenly like extremely quite...no sound...no crying...nothing..but still peace is better than a wailing baby so I was like cool..may be it was just hunger.Then in less 5 seconds of me thinking ...he puked like really badly...and the crying started again this time with more rigor...and I was like shit...what the hell is wrong with my baby?? Before this I was quite irritated with him but when I saw him puked up and so uncomfortable I started to worry...I obviously understood he is not enjoying this for sure (which I was thinking earlier...you tend to get cynical about your babies listening to their endless crying at times).

That is when I first realized that it might be colic.I had his colic drops handy and I gave him that....it took some time but he got a little better in a while...but he still was not his usual self.That was one one of the toughest days for me in the entire tenure of me being a mother till now...I was so scared for him and I didn't know how to comfort him...when he finally slept for sometime I did all the research on Colic - high time.

So what is colic?

Colic is uncontrollable crying in an otherwise healthy baby.A baby is considered colicky if he's younger than 5 months and cried for more than 3 hours in a row on 3 or more days a week for atleast 3 weeks (phew!).Colic isn't a disease and won't cause your baby any long term harm, but it's a tough thing to go through for babies and their parents.

How long does it last?

Colic tends to peak around 6 weeks and then improves significantly between 3-4 months.By 4 months of age, 80-90% of infants are over colic.

Tips to deal with Colic:

• Lay him across your lap and gently rub his back

• Apply Heeng (Asafoetida) on his tummy (around his belly button)

• Try infant massage

• Soak him in a warm bath

• Put a warm water bottle on your baby's belly

• Have him suck on a pacifier

• Use White noise to sooth the baby

• Use colic drops (as prescribed by your Doctor)

What worked for me was Heend, warm water and massage along with colic drops.

The reason I have made this one more of an informative entry is because I had a really hard time dealing with this and I would want to share all the information which helped me during that phase.Like in Riaan's case that entire week - almost 4 days at a stretch we faced this problem and it takes a toll on you when you see your baby crying that badly - after a point I just wanted to shout and cry myself...I had run out of patience.

I remember calling my husband and just venting out my frustration on him...he was patient enough to listen to me and that's a big help...I just needed to let out all the irritation which was built up during the day...we used to have long discussions on what could have possibly caused it.We decided to take him to his doctor once I was back home.

Finally on friday we had a normal evening...we were all too scared to believe it...he didn't cry but we were fearing it might happen any moment...it was funny how this little fellow had scared us that bad!I don't think I can forget this week ever...experiencing such fear and worry at the same time along with crazy levels of frustration - I felt like I'm so done with babies - and if any one dares to suggest me to have a second one I am just going to burst out in anger and slap that person really hard.Something like this chic below :D

Colic does that to a mom :) but always remember - be extremely patient with your baby...try the remedies listed above or if you have any other option  - try that out and do not hesitate to check with your doctor - I am not aware if there is a way to prevent colic - couldn't find anything - but we surely can deal with it and help our babies feel better :D

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 9 - Our First Trip - AGRA (Part -2)

The good thing about a sleeping baby is that you can pose with him easily and he'll still look adorable...and you can always use him as a cover up for your belly :P I had always adored the Taj but this time it was different...no crowd...peaceful and that early morning bliss adds magic to the whole scene...but we had a sleeping baby and before he woke up we had to head back to the hotel - no don't judge us yet - the moment he used to wake up in the morning back then - he used to be crying for milk - we had that handy - but there was no guarantee that he'll stop crying even after having milk - I blamed him for being moody back then but who knows what goes in their mind and why they cry non stop when they do....so to avoid that...we rushed back after roaming around for about half an hour.

Reaching the hotel - we went straight for breakfast - again taking turns to supervise Riaan - by then he was up and was having his milk - and I had become proficient in eating at jet speed - like just put food in the plate and gup gup gup - finished...back to baby....there was a time when I used to love taking my time especially when it came to buffets...I used to take my time to chose what I want to eat...try new stuff...give an exceptional amount of time and space to deserts but now it was all gone...and I think a couple of years to wait before that can happen again :) till then we'll enjoy eating at lightening fast speed and watch our babies eat with their face covered with food :D 

On our way back to our rooms - my mom dad took care of Riaan giving us some time to relax and get ready for the day - mum said she'll bathe him and I was like plzzz...thank you...what will I do without you mommie :( No really...that's exactly how you feel...it almost is like you are a baby again seeking help from mom for everything...I slept for good 2 hours and I had a shower in peace after 2 long months...and it was WOW!!! I have always loved staying in hotels...it has a special feel about it...they are meant to chill and now I was doing that :) but then I felt guilty for leaving everything on my mom so I pushed my lazy bum towards her room and what do I see...my little munchkin was all ready and dressed to go out!

When I say out it was only for important stuff like eating....but this time he was easy....he slept in my arms on the way and we had our lunch happily...I enjoyed my meal like never before...we had a south indian meal - I had my favorite curd rice and it was yummmm....alone with Ice cream soda...ummmm...I just want to freeze that moment in my mind right now...rare moments in a life of a new mom...eating in peace and feeling good about it :D happily we returned back to the hotel hoping that if Riaan gets a proper sleep now..we should be able to take a round of the city in the evening..atleast something to do before we leave the next day....but he did not sleep well....he was up by the time we reached our hotel and did not sleep for a minute the whole time.

By the time it was evening...we went ahead with the plan...moved out thinking worst case we'll head back if gets too cranky.Now in AGRA you don't really have much to do during evenings....so we just went to their main market...which meant some shopping...its famous for footwear and that is what we got along with "Panchi Petha" :) Riaan was patient till about time he felt his mom and naani might just spend their entire time shopping if he did not interrupt (plus I can bet he could sense there was nothing for him so he was Jealous)...we rushed towards the car..his milk handy...in his mouth but he didn't want any...and the moment we got in the car he started crying like really badly.

First I felt may be he got scared as it was dark inside the car but even after we put on the light he was still crying so loudly and I was scared as to something really uncomfortable is happening to him...I started feeling guilty for keeping him out for so long and then my mom came up with "Nazar lag gayi hogi" angle...I absolutely do not believe in this stuff but when you see your baby cry this bad you almost are on the verge of believing it.We hurriedly had our dinner on the way and rushed back to the hotel...I tried to soothe him...carried him in my arms for a good amount of time but his crying did not subside...I was getting super worried...he had never done this before...was it because of the vaccination?? was he too tired?? was it really nazar?? I was clueless as always...I again felt like a bad mom who doesn't know how to take good care of her baby :(

By the time he slept off in my arms I was exhausted myself...we both just crashed on the bed but he kept on waking up every 2 hours during the night...and my exhaustion level kept on rising...by the time it was time for us to leave the next day...I felt I should just let everyone else go and I should stay back to sleep!! 

On our way back I was just thinking  - wether it was a good a idea to have taken this trip?? I mean if you think from a normal person's perspective - like me before being a mom I would have called it a disaster...I mean we were practically grounded in the hotel for most of our time...why travel to AGRA to do that..yeah...but as a mother I think I felt a sense of accomplishment - our first trip together as a family...we did some blunders yes but we had our good times too....I was better prepared for our travel next time and I guess even Riaan would have learned something (Hopefully)...we made some amazing memories and that counts! so yes...cheers to more trips with the baby..we had one more in pipeline now  - JAIPUR for our anniversary!!

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 9 - Our first Trip - AGRA (part 1)

So once back home I decided to make Riaan sleep first and then start with the packing.By this time I had started a night time routine for him which included a light massage along with a warm water sponge. By the time I made him wear his sleep suit he suddenly started crying like I had almost choked him...yes it was that loud and that scary.Like a sudden eruption of tears and I was like what the hell did I do...our house maid came running to my room to check if I needed help but at that point I was so clueless that didn't know what to do. I did what worked in most cases...I carried him in my arms and tried to pacify him...was hoping the "Jaadu ki jhappi" to work for me..it did but after good 20 minutes of soothing him. Riaan finally fell asleep in my arms but I still continued to walk fearing that he'll wake up and start crying again. 

So there was this phase where he only used to sleep when we carried him and walked - his head resting on our shoulders and a light pat on his back.The moment he realised that we had taken a seat he used to wake up and started to cry.I remember doing this for good half an hour everyday - the only thing that kept me motivated was that it'll help me get back to fit...but God it was tiring!!

Once he slept off...I rushed and packed all the stuff...a big suitcase filled with Riaan's stuff and a small backpack for me :) by the time I got back to my room I realized the doctor had asked me to keep a check on his temperature...I checked his forehead and it seemed like normal so I thought I shouldn't fuss too much...let me try and sleep it's going to be ok.When we woke up again for his feed...I felt he was a bit warm...I checked with thermometer this time and it still showed normal temperature...I got some relief and tried sleeping again once I fed him...but I couldn't. I was nervous about the next day...what if Riaan actually gets fever...should we go or is it better that we cancel the trip. My parents had been waiting for this trip so canceling it meant they would be disappointed...I mean obviously they would not put anything over Riaan's health but you know that sad feeling when you really are waiting for a trip and you cannot make it last minute.I didn't want that to happen.

I prayed the whole night that Riaan should stay fine but eventually he did get fever when I checked around 4 in the morning...I gave him Crocin drops as prescribed by the doctor and I just kept praying that it should come down by the time we leave.I had never been this worried about anybody's health till date...I was realizing how painful it is for a mom to see her own kid suffering...his body was so warm and I could imagine all sort of weird things in my head.By the time the sun came up I just asked my husband if we should cancel the trip as I did not want to take any chance with Riaan's health but thankfully he was cool and said don't worry we'll take care of him...it was just a 2 day trip anyhow so it should not be an issue.I felt better....and I got Riaan ready.We picked my parents and were all set to go...I was happy to see Riaan sleep peacefully...fever gone by now and I was just hoping that he stays this way till we reach...no drama on the way is best :) 

Just about when we were about to pull over for a break - he started to be a bit cranky and we thought he needs a diaper change...it had been a while and in the early months babies pee like every 5 minutes I think.So we took him to the loo...no diaper changing table here...thankfully mom was there...so we placed a tissue on the commode top...placed Riaan on that...mom held him and that's how I managed to clean him...he loves to poop while we are out I suppose so obviously here again it was the same story.Poop all over and wow I was becoming a diaper changing expert..can do it anytime anywhere now :D

We reached our hotel ard 2 pm and all I wanted to do was sleep...stretch and sleep...but no..we had to take a shower..go out for lunch...and see if there was any scope of roaming around in the evening...First thing first...we had to bathe Riaan.Now I had never done that till now...my MIL or my mum had been doing it all along so here too...thanks to mommie...I was only a spectatre while she handled it.By the time we went out for lunch Riaan has started to sleep again and we were like wow...perfect...let him sleep and we'll eat in peace but that was only for a short while - until food arrived. He started his tantrums right after and we took turns to handle him so that the rest of us could eat.

By the time we got done with lunch we had dropped all plans to go out in the evening...he was in a weird mood it seems....so we came back to the hotel...my mom dad took Riaan with them to give us some rest but kids make you restless. I was all worked up and after trying to rest for a while...I landed in my mom dad's room to check on him. There he was...sitting with his angry expression on :| 

Our evening was spent just trying to keep him entertained and woooh...I was realizing traveling with a baby is not a joke...I guess my vacations will never be the same.We decided to visit Taj Mahal early morning the next day since it was June and going late meant unbearable heat and crowd which we absolutely wanted to avoid. So morning 6 am we were ready to go...Riaan still sleeping..it was wonderful to see Taj early morning...so serene and soothing...Riaan kept on sleeping the whole time we were there...and we were too sacred to wake him up...I know it's weird you take your baby the first time to see a monument and you let him sleep the whole time but you see as parents we were too scared to handle his uncontrollable crying fit (which was becoming a norm back then). So we took pictures of him with the Taj as proof that we took him - he slept off - not our fault :P 

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 8 - Enters the much awaited baby sitter!

So after almost struggling for a month and a half we found a help - given the crazy demand for baby sitters - we were happy to find one through a reliable connection and I had started to imagine what all can I do in my free time :D

She had a problem with cleaning Riaan's poop - this was the first thing she said "Didi mai Potty clean nahi karungi" and I was like okk...then I thought its kinda normal for a new person to feel the same...I mean I wouldn't have done it too...so I said thats ok...we'll take care of it. Then my MIL asked her if she would bathe him and she was like "aunty...mujhe darr lagta hai...baby slip ho gaya to"...my heart rate jumped a bit...and I decided right then I'm not giving Riaan to her for bathing ever.

I thought - forget bathing and diaper change...atleast she'll look after him in terms of making him sleep or feeding him milk when I'm not around...but it seems she had different plans. So the way it was turning out to be was...Riaan used to fall asleep having his milk and then till he wakes up there was nothing much to do - she used to love watching TV and she used to ask me to put some daily soap to watch. Initially I thought that its ok half n hour of TV is harmless...let her have some chill time but she used to be literally glued to the TV once it was on. Like once Riaan woke up and he started to cry...I was in the loo taking a shower and when it was over 5 mins and he did not stop crying I just rushed out to see what is wrong.And there she was watching tv...patting him with her hands but face towards the TV and I was like WHAT the heck - am I paying her to do this??

I mean she was hired to take care of the baby and that seemed to be her last priority...so just in a matter of 5 days I had to send her back... and that lead me to an extremely apprehensive outlook towards baby sitters - I mean I don't think I would be able to trust someone until that lady is really really good and committed towards her job and that too with supervision.

Around the same time I got my first call for an interview and I was in a fix....I did not expect any calls to come this soon and I think by now you must have understood the kind of person I am...I tend to think way ahead of the situation which isn't exactly required every time but I still do it...so here again...I got worried...I do not have a help...the baby is barely 2 months old...how can I take a job this soon...and then on second thoughts...the office of that organization was quite close to my house and it seemed to be a great workplace based on reviews I had got from some people I knew who worked there.I was in a big time dilemma...what should I do??

A part of me wanted to jump at the opportunity and while the other was thinking that I am being too selfish...I should be taking care of my baby...I will not get this time again.I did not want to rush into anything so I decided to ask for a week's time for an interview - I obviously had to cook some story to make that work but the HR agreed and I got my time to think.

In between we had a trip planned for the coming weekend with my parents - my first trip with my parents after marriage - so it was special :) We were going to Agra and I was super excited as I was traveling after almost a year but also nervous as we had Riaan with us and we were absolutely clueless about how is it going to be with him! 

Before this trip was his 2nd vaccination too...this time I was better prepared though but still it is always painful to see your lil one cry that badly when he gets one.The doctor warned me that he might get some fever and I was like shit...we need to travel tomorrow and that is the last thing I want.I still had my packing to do...my hubby had a crazy routine the entire week so he was running late..it was all on me.

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 7 - Trying to look beyond the baby!!

All this while my life was taken over with Riaan and his stuff - I had no routine like I mentioned before - I could hardly plan anything thanks to unpredictability babies are blessed with and the expectation everyone had around me - that I should just be happy being with him and nothing else matters beyond that - but now it had started to get on my nerves!! I mean ok so I have a cute little baby and I love him but I can't just do that the whole time - you need to do some work or something that makes you feel like a normal person.

I remember having a conversation with my husband one day before I had left for my mom's place - where I mentioned to him that I had never felt this low in life and in comparison to the same time last year (when I was attending my training for TFI Fellowship - which was like a completely exhausting but enjoyable experience for me) this felt all the more depressing - staying at home the whole day and just watch the baby sleep! He was shocked to hear that - he was like LOW?? :O and that was when I realized that he has no idea whats it like to do this - full time. I'm sure there are mom's who love to do this - and I totally respect them - that is something I lack - but for me this was not as rosy as I had pictured it and to break this monotony was important.

So all this time at mom's place - all the sleepless nights with Riaan - there was this constant thought in mind - what should I do??It was too soon to go back to a job, studies is something I have zero commitment for and honestly with a small baby it did not seem like a great idea...hobby classes or may be join a gym - get back to fit - were some options I had.But off course these things are easier said than done...the moment you propose such ideas - first question - who will look after the baby - he needs you - you're the mom! Like I did not know already :D ....so I decided on a simple thing to do for myself - something I did during my pregnancy as well - go out once a week - do what you like - even if its for an hour or two...just do it.This has always worked for me and this time too it did wonders to my self confidence.

The first day I went out - I decided to go alone - ordered a yum chocolate brownie shake for myself - opened my Lappy and updated my CV. Now this gives you some boost in terms of feeling good about yourself...I thought it will anyways take time for me to get a job (now with more ifs and buts from both sides ;) ) so I should keep my CV ready and post it on all the job sites and update my Linkedin just in case some opportunity comes knocking - I should be ready for it (I'm still waiting for that knock though :D) - I was being over optimistic off course!

That was first time out by myself after almost 3 months (I wasn't allowed to travel alone starting 8th month of pregnancy) and it felt awesome - almost like orgasmic awesome - I wanted to just stay out - feel like a normal girl who does not have to worry about her baby waking up for milk or changing his nappy - I can still feel the happiness I experienced that day! I missed on clicking a pic - I should have as a memory :) but for now we'll do with the yummy shake's picture!

This was followed by a superb weekend - which included shopping and a movie (anything that makes you get out of the house is superb once you are a stay at home mom). We took Riaan for the shopping trip - this time my hubby was all enthusiastic to take charge and I was more than happy to let go :D I can bet you know what it is like - set me free feel! I ended up buying clothes which were almost skin fit for me hoping that i'l reduce and fit into them comfortably in the months to come - I'm still trying to get to that perfect size (it seems never ending at times) but I loved it. Shopping was like giving me a new high everytime I indulged into it - it was like all the restraint I had maintained in the last couple of months was being shattered - I wanted to buy everything I could lay my hands on...and it was crazy  -  I looked at my hubby and Riaan waiting in one corner of the showroom - I loved my babies for being extremely patient <3

I was looking forward to the coming week - we had finally found a maid to baby sit - I was glad to find someone who could help me get some time off and help me start with something I would like to do!