Being a Working Mom

So I am finally doing what I was hoping for ever since I started to feel normal post my delivery...after 1 year and 5 months of staying at home...I am back to work...same work I wanted to run away from at one point of time...same corporate culture I cribbed about..but when it happened to me this time I was grateful..Grateful for it gave me a new spark...boosting up my confidence that I can still get a job..my skills are not as useless as I had started to feel about them...I can still earn enough to shop..travel..raise my kid and still save a bit...it was a wonderful feeling!!

1.5 years back I left all of this as I wanted a content life...do what I love...spend time with family..bla bla bla...I wont say I don't want to do all this any more..I do but I totally have realized over this period of time that everything is good but in a reasonable proportion...like too much of work is bad..similarly too much of family time isn't good either...as it gives you a lot of time to analyse the flip side of it all...you start seeing the gaps in your relationships..which otherwise you won't really have time to notice (which I now feel is a good thing....somethings are best ignored)...n it just eventually boils up to never ending frustration as other people around you are too busy to notice these things and there you are feeling sad about your life!!

But once you are a working mom...there is no time...absolutely no time for anything...and which may be challenging in terms of ensuring you give proper time to your kid...do well at work along with all the other responsibilities...it keeps you healthy...mentally...it keeps you distracted and you prioritise and spend your time and energy only on important things or rather necessities...ok this may not make sense right away but I can bet you will connect with me as we go along!!

So I love being a working mom because:

1. The best thing to happen once you start working is that you cherish all the time you get with ur kids...which while being a stay at home mom is more of responsibility ...here you wait to meet ur kids post work...you imagine what they will be doing when you are away...you miss their laughter..as humans we all have this tendency that when we stay apart from people we miss them...we value them more and vice versa...I see that difference in my 1 year old too....the happy hug he gives me when I am back from work...OMG...I so badly wanted it when I used to see him do the same to his dad..

2. I get time to think about myself with a direction...unlike the pity me phase while I felt I have no future...It feels great to have new goals in front of you...to see that you are doing something for yourself...that your existence matters (esp when you see a 100 mails if you miss office 1 day).

3.It stimulates my mind...meeting new people...learning new things...polishing my old skills...it gives an incredible kick when you get praised for something at work....you miss these things when you just end up staying at home...

4.The money...getting that message saying xxx amount has been credited to your account every month...its sheer bliss...until I manage to set up something of my own which brings in some regular income I am more than happy to get my salary every month...which is like a reassurance I can do whatever I want...I totally had it in me but now I have the money too!!

5.I wake up and I have some motivation to get ready...look good...take care of myself...another thing which I had given up all together while being at home...I had no routine...no motivation to wake up except offcourse when the baby was up and crying...not exactly a motivation there but duty calling...but I love getting ready for work...I have always been that person who has loads of clothes and here I get to use them...and like any normal person it makes me feel good!!

I miss spending time with Riaan but I'm glad whatever time we get now is far more valuable to me than ever...and thats what I cherish the most.I love this new confident person in me who inspite of all the dilemma in my mind manages to take care of all that has to be done.

Here's to this new me - a better me!! 

My shoulder to Lean on - Riaan!!

The rainy season was here...with much respite from the scorching heat...and a crazy rainy day with Gurgaon almost drowning...it was fun time for Riaan...watching the rain...feeling the rain drops on his face through the window...he was loving it!!

Whereas I have been a selective rainy season fan...like I love rains when I'm happily tucked in my cosy bed and watching it through my window but I hate it when I'm out (especially while going to work) and stuck in traffic...hence - SELECTIVE! This year, I had another big reason for hating this season - as Riaan fell sick!!

So far he had been all good...no health issues...and I was hoping to sail through the rainy season too.Since by now he had got a bit more easy on the crying bit...I figured out a Volunteering opportunity for myself at the School where I used to teach while working with TFI.It was to be for a month...3 days a week and only 2 hours a day which sounded reasonable. I was hoping that this will somehow help me form a routine with Riaan - he will get used to being without me and eventually I should be able to join regular office...but that was "My plan"!

The first day I went to school...Nostalgia hit me big time...the school door...kids running all around....meeting my kids (now in 6th std) was absolutely over whelming...I was genuinely touched by the way they jumped in excitement looking at me...I thought they must have forgotten me by now but I was elated to be proved wrong this time :D my kids were super happy to have me back and I couldn't have felt better!!

I was supposed to work with the lower order kids to help them cope up with their current syllabus and make them reach to the desired reading levels...something I always wanted to do during my fellowship but I guess my tenure was too short to plan much around this. I thought this would be my opportunity to make a difference in some way and live up to my commitment which I had to leave mid way.It all started off really well...I had worked out a plan...making sure we make continues progress.

The very next day I got to know my Mom was down with Chikungunya and she could barely get up from the bed...I had to be there so School took a back seat but what about Riaan? I obviously could not take him with me...I was afraid he might catch infection and leaving him behind for a whole day was unthinkable those days.I was in my teary mode again and I remember Riaan looking at me puzzled...wondering what's wrong with mommie??  Guess being a Mom makes you excessively emotional...the crying was becoming a norm now and Riaan was my shoulder to cry on...a magical hug from him made me feel calm and I decided to talk to my mother in law..if she could look after him for half a day...I'll atleast go and see my mom and see what I could do best given the circumstances.

Earlier my hubby had got the same fever and I knew it was painful...which is why I wanted to be around my mum...I spent the day with her...I think having your kids around has an amazing healing power and my mom was feeling much better and I was glad I came...when I headed back home I was thinking to visit her again in a day or two post my school.By the time I reached home...Riaan was quite cranky and I just took him in my arms and came to our room...he had been up the whole day...refused to sleep without me and the moment he came to me...he slept...it was just woww...how they do these things...making you feel so special at times...their whole world wrapped up around you!

The next day I went to school again...my kids obviously curious to know why I missed the other day...and all excited to learn...these couple of hours in school had started to make me feel motivated about life again...my purpose was coming back to me and it was all looking perfect.Once I reached home...I noticed Riaan was coughing more than usual but no signs of distress so I didn't give it much thought...but that night his cough became really bad...and he started crying badly even in his sleep due to the cough...without any further delays we took him to the doctor the next day and OMG...there was this big que of parents with their sick children there and I was like...what if he catches some infection right here.

Paranoid parents...yes we were that...and once our turn came to see the Doc..he told us he had some chest infection...we had use a nebuliser to get rid of it and well...no one could ever  prepare us for what it was going to be like...

Riaan looked like this cutest astronaut wearing it and he was like so amused with this thing on his face that he refused to take it off the first time...and we..the paranoid parents didn't really know how to use it at first...so we had put the medicine inside it and plugged it back...it was running for good 15 minutes but the medicine level stayed the same...and we were like is it even working?? Finally we googled and checked on you tube to realise we missed on putting one part while closing the tube and now Riaan's action seemed even funnier since we realised the medicine was not even coming out until now...what the hell was he so amused with?

It went on for the whole week...he was happy to put the nebuliser on but the sad part was he wasn't able to sleep...this congestion was taking a toll on his breathing and it used be so hard for us to see him like that...but I must say he is one mighty spirited boy...as it did not stop him from smiling often to make us feel that "Mumma I'm ok!!" He definitely created a scene taking his medicines orally...esp the nasal drops..but we somehow managed to win and feed him those.His appetite had gone really low..which meant he used to wake up often at night as he was hungry but he couldn't drink much milk at one go as he was breathing mostly with his mouth. 

If my mum's sickness made me feel bad...Riaan's gave me jitters..I don't remember being so worried for anyone in life...not even myself and seeing him suffer made me forget how sleep deprived I was when he was waking up every few minutes at night...Yes there were days where irritation took over and I felt when is this going to end (the human in me took over the mom) but I knew now that nothing in this world is going to effect me more than my baby..his health came above everything to me right now...I had to leave the school stint yet again in between...by the time Riaan recovered their exams were starting which meant no classes.

My mum was always consoling me to not feel bad as I couldn't be there for her when she needed me as well...I guess cos she understood what it's like when your own kid is unwell...I'm sure I gave her ample opportunities to experience that!

But in the midst of all this...I was also realising one thing which was like the silver lining amidst the dark grey clouds..that no matter how bad I felt...how broken I felt...however hard the times were..whenever I looked at Riaan..it gave me immense strength to keep going...it was like a power that used to trigger inside me...that I can't let this break me...I need to be strong for my baby...I need to be calm...his smile...his hugs made this time bearable...and I knew I have this friend for life who will hold me whenever I need him...who will never let me give up!

And this friend was to be my partner in crime in our next adventure where we travelled to Chennai - just the two of us..which came as a shock to many in the family...but it turned out to be an exceptionally good trip and I knew my baby is all set to explore the world with me :D

To be Contd...

Go Go Goaaaaaa....but with a baby now!!

Finally life was coming around the way I wanted it to be...Riaan had started to emote (yes that is really important to keep your spirits high) his constant smiles kept me going...my work was steady if not amazing...I had this feeling that I was contributing something rather than just thinking about how bad my life has suddenly become.

Coming to the brighter side of life now...it was my husband's bday time and we had planned a trip to Goa for the same. Now when we say Goa...u get this picture

but with a baby...it is something like:

Yeah...cos its only the baby who gets to order here...you stay in if he wants you to...you wait till he is done with his nap and you leave any place the moment you feel he's getting cranky!!.

It was going to be Riaan's first trip by air...so I was all worried about how is he going to be in the flight...we were going to be the parents who everybody looks at like some retards to carry a baby on a plane...I myself had been irritated with babies crying around me while traveling and now it was time for me to carry one.Life certainly does come full circle!!

Once at the airport, we headed for a lounge where we could sit comfortably and feed Riaan...making sure his tummy is full...I was constantly checking on his diaper to make sure we have him comfortable...I was praying hard that he sleeps off so that we have a smooth flight and he did :) but only till the time we entered the plane! His eyes popped open the moment we got inside and for some time he was quite amused to look around...see all these people sitting beside him...he enjoyed the whole set up for a while but then even before the plane took off...I could see signs of rebellion..he was finding the place to restricted for himself and eventually he realized that all he could do here was stay in my lap and stare at the seat in front of us...and he certainly had no such plans.

So began his first attempt at crying out loud in protest and we had the milk ready to tuck in his mouth to make sure we stop him before he gets out of control (coming from experience)...it worked yet again this time...he had milk was almost about to sleep but those days I had this weird way of making him sleep....like I used to hold him in my arms and sway them around a bit and I had to walk else he used to start crying again...here there was no scope for walking and little scope for swaying too...but somehow I think he got tired of crying and he slept.Lucky me :D

Phewww....what relief..both me and my hubby just smiled at each other like we had accomplished the biggest task possible...but the relief was short lived...thanks to the announcements...Riaan was up again...and cranky...and we finally had to use our last resort...the iPad...rhymes..animation and good Lord I have never been happier to watch them...it made him happy and that made us happy :)

Once we landed...we were almost proud of ourselves that we had completed the journey with just about a little turbulence but overall we did well!! Once at the hotel...we decided to make Riaan sleep for a while before we venture out.We had kept our plans to the bare minimum considering the unpredictable nature of the kiddo plus our last 2 trips had taught us that it's best to go with the flow when traveling with a baby...too many plans will only lead to disappointment!

We had an amazing resort...so we just decided to roam around there...it was already dark by the time we headed out so beach was out of question...we took a little walk with Riaan and were back in our room for Dinner...I had never felt Goa like today...as a parent..it gave me an amazing sense of calm as always but my excitement this time was more about seeing how Riaan reacts to this awesome place..and will he love it as much as we do?? This was his reaction when he looked at the sea for the first time...next day morning

Like he couldn't wait to jump into the sea and swim..:D he was damn excited and I was like that's my boy :D I don't think I was ever this happy being in Goa than I was now...and yeah I know what people say that you really can't have fun with a baby with you...but you can...it's just that the definition of fun changes...you just need to do things which make your baby happy and your happiness will have no bounds to see him smile and chuckle with excitement!

This trip was all about taking him for walks...sometimes in his stroller..other times in the baby carrier...I got to pose with him as well (I so desperately wanted a pic with him in his baby carrier...like a cool mum who uses all those baby accessories)...when he used be up from his nap..we went to this really awesome beach shack for grab some yumm food and superb coffee!

It has this amazing view to look at...I could spend hours there just sipping my coffee and feeling the breeze...and Riaan loved it too...he used to sleep happily in his stroller allowing us some time off to enjoy the view.

Even when it came to the hotel staff..they made sure we had a really comfortable stay and we were quite surprised to find this on one of the days when we came back from our afternoon stroll ...I couldn't help click Riaan with his replica alongside :D

On the whole...Goa this time was different for me...not the usual carefree... do what you want to do kinda place...but a beautiful serene place which was perfect for us to enjoy with our baby...taking long walks along the beaches...watch him play with his toys while we had lunch...clicking his pics all the time...discussing his reactions when he was alseep...and all of this was strangely satisfying..you feel content even though you are not partying around...I guess thats what being a parent is all about...finding happiness with your kid's comfort :)

Finding "Light" in the darkness!

I had been wondering about my way forward for a while now and post some weird reactions from consultants and that pointless interview I had last month...I was not too keen to get into a full time job as of now...there would be endless pressure and no flexibility for me to take care of my little one.I had been reading about these employee friendly policies all these companies have but I didn't seem to find even a single place which could help me right now.That's when my Dad came in with a proposal which made a lot of sense.

He has his own set up and we had been talking about getting into it since quite some time but for me as person it always seemed like a Big step...I mean I had never really imagined myself running a business...I'm not even sure if I'm any good at it...working under someone and running the show yourself are two completely different scenarios but my Dad assured me - we can always take one step at a time.Since obviously he knew my situation and he being my Dad gave me complete freedom in terms of working from home and coming to his office when I could manage. It was like that light at the end of a tunnel...I finally had work in my hand...and what better than your business.

You may feel I took the easy way out...I myself had this feeling for quite sometime but now when I look back I am sure I took the right decision...as when I look at Riaan do all these crazy things the whole day...I do not want to miss these moments which now feel like slipping away...this time with him is going to be my precious set of memories to look back and smile :) I realize it every time I see my husband struggling to take out time to be with us...and I have this chance to live my life the way I wish to live right now then why not...and I am seizing the opportunity!

So to begin with I decided to visit my Dad's office to better understand the whole business model..meet the team and then begin with work.It was a Monday...I was super charged up as I was getting ready for work after a good whole year almost...with my enthusiasm all over my face I was ready before time.I was using the Metro again after a year and I never knew it could give me such happiness to travel in these crowded trains but I was loving every part of this day...I managed to grab a cup of coffee too on my way...reaching office...meeting everyone...discussing what I could start with..wooohhooo...it had been quite sometime since I felt so good about myself and my life :)

Then again...the phone rang..it was my MIL checking by when will I reach home..it seems Riaan wasn't too happy being left alone at home...I was like ok...I'll wrap up soon and be back as early as possible.By the time I reached back...it was 5 and the moment I entered...I was told how badly he had missed me and he was cranky the whole day...I wouldn't have been surprised if until that day I had got any credit for keeping him happy or if anyone would have acknowledged the fact that he has any special connection with me - me being the "Mother"...it was always his Dadi or the maid at home or his Dad or his uncle or his aunt...basically everyone except me...who could bring a smile to his face...I was just someone who helped him sleep. So when I heard this I was kind of shocked...I just wanted to ask that howcum this happened overnight?? 

As a mum I obviously felt bad that he cried but I knew for sure that he will not cry for me that badly...it could be one of his cranky days and I had a strong feeling that they didn't want me to go to work this early...which was coming across quite strongly by the way my MIL tried to convince me on how everybody she knows had advised her to tell me that I should not work until Riaan turns 1.

I got Riaan to our room...he slept off almost immediately and that's when I cried ....this whole thing seemed so unfair...I had an equal right to work just like my husband...I am choosing to be at home for most times to make sure I am giving my complete attention and love to our baby...but even if I try and figure out a way to create an opportunity for myself working from home...I will need some support...but I seem to have none.Everyone is concerned about how disturbed my husband's sleep is and then he has to work...but nobody cares about me who stays up night and day to take care of the baby.

I called up my mum...I badly wanted to just hug her tight and cry...but I couldn't...told her about the way things were at home and she as always made me feel so much better..she told me to start things a bit slow...like take out 2 hours a day when Riaan is sleeping initially...then gradually increase the time once you get better at managing work along with him...at first it seemed like an impossible thing...like how can you just start working at any time of the day and end it abruptly as soon as your baby is up...but when I started doing it...it worked for me.This way I wasn't asking for any favors from anyone...my baby had me around him and I got to start something that gave me a purpose and financial independence back.

My life was getting back on track slow and steady and I was realizing how at times our destiny leads us to things we had never imagined to be doing and doing well at that!