My Journey of Motherhood - Baby - Week 2 - Time crunch and Baby gets a Name

With the insecurity taking over, I was losing track of time as well. Effectively I felt I don't do much in a day...but still I had no time for myself.Even though the baby slept most times during the day the moment I used to think of having a cup of tea or any meal he used to wake up and started crying :( 

I had no clues how on earth did he sense that his mom wanted to relish a cup of tea and relax.There were times I felt is he doing it deliberately and then I was like he's too small to try these tactics :P There were times when I used to gulp my tea in 5 mins flat fearing the baby will wake up and my warm tea will turn into Iced tea by the time I get a chance to get to it and I hated this part.I love having my morning tea in peace...relishing every sip...just looking out of my window/balcony and this now was an absolute luxury for me and I was waiting for the day I would be able to do this again.

During my break time - when some other family member used to take him with them, I used to just lie down on my bed like dead meat. I had no energy to do anything - I used to just drag myself to take a shower, rush through a cup of tea/meals, pump out milk for him and get ready again to take over the baby.

At times I wonder how do people manage babies when they have no support system...I can't even come to think of it...I was going mad with half a dozen people to help me at home!To top it all you end up seeing pictures of these celebrity moms who look perfect...and here we have no time to look at our face properly in the mirror. In the first few days I don't remember giving more than 5 mins to myself when it came to deciding on what clothes to wear or how to do my hair...there was no time to think of all this, no energy and no interest also.

Coming to looks - thats another area which needs attention...so obviously post pregnancy your belly is still out...your skin is a bit lose and this whole crazy routine takes a toll on your face...dark circles....dull skin..there was one particular day when I managed to look at myself properly in the mirror and I didn't like what I saw...and I did not want to accept this change. I know many people say that embrace the change your body goes through during pregnancy...but I did not want to take it as an excuse and ignore the way I look. 

I could barely do much about my belly and lose skin back then unless I got a go ahead from my doctor for some work out but I started to make sure that I take care of my skin.Dark circles would be difficult to deal with until the sleep problem is solved but I can surely do something to make things better for myself. So drinking water, getting back to my night time skin care routine, cleaning my face with Rose water, face wash then moisturizing, once the baby slept were steps to begin with and it made me feel good!

It was also time to decide a name for the baby since we were supposed to have a havan (a ritual as per hinduism) to name the baby.The letter decided was "R" and all of us had started to search for names.We came across quite amusing names on Google like "Raees" meaning rich to Raaakaa which sounded like a villain's name out of some 90's Bollywood movie. After much discussion we all agreed to name the baby "Riaan" which meant "Little King".I just loved this name the moment my sister in law suggested it...you know that feeling when you think that this is just perfect :) 

My Journey of Motherhood - Baby - Week 2 - Stress taking over

The dreadful week had started...my husband had joined office and I was to deal with the baby..we had a routine like this - baby used to wake up, it was time for his bath.My MIL came up to help me with it...I tried to take off his clothes and at that very moment he used to start crying....I was like shit...what did I do? My MIL used to take him in her arms and moved around a bit..she had this phrase which seemed to work when it came to pacifying the baby "Ram Ram Sita Ram"!! I have no clues how could a 1 week old baby connect to this or may it was her voice that he connected to but he used to just stop crying instantly hearing this.

Once he was quite, she took off his clothes and cleaned him...baby was quite all through and I could just wonder how on earth will anyone believe this is my baby who starts crying the moment I touch him :(

Once all was done, I used to try to feed him..for first 10 mins things used to be peaceful but after that the usual irritation and crying used to start again and that got me tensed.I had started to take the supplement but my milk flow was still not enough...by the time I could take control of the situation my family members used to come upstairs and take over the baby....asked me to make his formula and start to feed him. The baby had milk and dosed off like nothing had happened. They used to take him along so that I could get some rest but this whole scene had me nervous.

As a mother you feel so helpless when you can't even feed your baby properly and somebody else has to come and rescue the situation.I almost had started to fear that he will never recognize me as his mother since I just end up making him cry and he eventually ends up being fed by others. I had started to feel insecure...I was not able to comfort my baby...I found him happier when he was with others - like his Dad , Grandma, Uncle and Aunt. They all carried him easily...played with him and I used to just end up staring at them wondering...why can't I be so chill about being with him??

I figured out 2 reasons for it eventually:

1. LACK OF SLEEP: I was absolutely sleep deprived - staying up with him at night meant I had hardly any energy left for daytime and it made me feel tired the whole day- a big reason why I used to just sit blankly a lot of times.

2. FEEDING STRESS: The constant pressure that I am not able to feed him myself - this had taken a toll on me.I was constantly worried about how will things get better - every time it was feeding time I used to be super stressed and I think that worsened the situation for me.

I had a good support system with me but in spite of that I was not exactly enjoying motherhood.The change was too overwhelming for me and I found myself not prepared enough to handle things...even though I had read a lot about post delivery changes, how to take care of your baby in the early days, bla bla...nothing was working for me at that time...the reason for that was that I was ignoring myself.

The biggest lesson I learned through all of this was that as a mother never succumb to what people expect from you - you know how you are and what keeps you happy - do not let these situations stress you out. There is always a way to work things out - like in my case since I wasn't able to feed him, I took too much stress as everybody told me that I should be feeding him - but when things are beyond your control - you should go for what's the next best option. Had I been chill about it then, I could have bonded with my baby much earlier and those initial days would have been a part of fond memories but now I think of them as probably the most depressing phase of my life - I was tensed all the time which lead to irritation and eventually depression.

Taking care of yourself is a part of taking care of your kids - I follow this as rule now but it took me more than a month to understand this :)