Our 3rd Anniversary!!

Back in the hotel...post some disappointment we decided to just chill...we ordered some snacks...playing with Riaan we spent a nice evening in our room..wondering how to plan for the next day. All our lavish plans to go around were totally curbed...we had to plan smartly...go short distances...look for any cues of trouble and rush back if needed asap! By the time we slept it was midnight already...I had totally forgotten about our anniversary (yeah!!...thats what happens when a baby comes around....all you remember is the baby's vaccination dates...rest all is history).

Somewhere in the middle of the night when I woke up to feed Riaan...my hubby wished me and I was like shit...it had totally slipped my mind...and then I remembered our last anniversary...we were in Pune...meeting after a month (I was in a training program hence Pune) we had gone to Mahableshwar for a day trip...the light drizzle...soothing breeze...and clouds all around us...we were 2 carefree souls...just chilling...eating and roaming around the whole time...nothing over the top romantic cos both of us are horrible at it but definitely fun given our love for food and travel! Cut to present day - Riaan in my lap..no plans for the next day...I'll be glad if we could have a decent lunch in peace...Life certainly has changed :) but then I looked at this cute smile he had on his face and I felt nothing can beat this for sure!

So finally our anniversary day...I did make some effort to look better :P you know you do not want to look like a zombie on special days..atleast not in the pics for sure and till then I didn't know there are apps which can transform the way you look (else I would have taken the easy way out) so I took out a dress I bought recently...checked myself in the mirror like 10 times..took some selfies (mandatory) and then we were ready to go out.

We had decided a visit to a famous shop - Gulabchand (I obviously had to do some bit of shopping) and then lunch at Spice Court. The shop experience turned out to be quite surprising with Riaan fascinated with all the colors around him..he was happily having his milk while I was choosing suits and kurtis.I was happy to see he has great shopping instincts in him...which was confirmed every time I took him shopping post that so I'm lucky that ways :)

Then at Lunch I was really happy to see the setting of the restaurant we had gone to...it had a traditional feel to it and the food was amazingly yummmm!! For a change Riaan was happy to sit in his pram while we finished our lunch with a sigh of relief.We took some desserts on our way back to the hotel - as a mandatory cake would have been too much for both of 2 finish on our own and we had to do something to make the day feel like we are celebrating...so a yum cookie crumble cheese cake portion  - the 2 of us with our baby...a perfect moment of togetherness!

Like I said in my earlier post...with a baby your equation with your spouse certainly goes through a lot of changes but what matters the most is that both of you adapt to it and make it a point to make your limited moments together special...we may not get time to talk often but whenever we do...the affection we have for each others needs to come out else it makes the other person feel like he/she is not important any more to you...I was happy to see my husband making it a point to do this little celebration for us...it meant a lot to me. And he being He...we didn't click any pics...but I for sure will remember this as a beautiful memory.

This being our 3rd anniversary was by far the most important for me...we had coped up with a major change in our lives and we still were happy together...playing our new roles as a parent but still holding on to the love we had for each other with as much warmth as before.

My Journey of Motherhood - Jaipur Trip with my little one

I checked my whatsapp messages...it was my friend from Jaipur...asking if we could meet her tonight...I was in a fix..wondering will it be wise to go tonight...considering we are taking a 5 hour journey already plus a schedule change for Riaan...I asked my hubby and he was as always cool about it :)...So I thought lets give it a shot...and worst case if Riaan acted too cranky I could make him sleep at her place so it wasn't that big a risk :D

So we already had a dinner plan...we reached jaipur around noon...I was starving by the time we reached...but before we eat we had to settle Riaan.It was shower time for the baby...and mommy and daddy were in charge today :P and it was so much fun.I was bathing him for the first time...I held him in my arms and my hubby used the handshower with very light water pressure and wowwww...Riaan was smiling..eyes closed and that look of contentment! It's one of the best things with babies...see them take a bath..as they grow up they tend to enjoy it more and more and it's a sight to watch...babies splashing water all around...shaking their legs...that bubbly smile..it's our favorite time together!

Once Riaan slept off..we ordered lunch and I hogged like I had not eaten in days...the food was yumm...chilli garlic noodles..very spicy but hard to resist. We decided to take some rest before we go out in the evening but I was too happy to sleep...so in quite a long time I thought of reading..I was carrying a book...I ordered some tea for myself...lying on the couch with a book..was like my dream come true :D 

Before I could realize, it was time to go...I got ready which majorly meant me assessing what makes me look a little less fat...when you are meeting your old friends..a part of you feels like looking the same way you used to..but off course that's so not possible...but you try to be close.So..

Riaan ready - Check

Milk bottle ready - Check

Diapers - Check

Wipes - Check

Warm water - Check

Formula - Check

With our priority list handy...we left for my friend's place...after some confusion with google maps..we finally found her place and wowww...it was so good to see her..her little baby tucked in her arms...sleeping like an angel...and thats when it striked me...it had been sooo long...we are meeting as mothers...God! So as both of us were new mom's most of our discussion revolved around the same...some facts..some comparisons and some advice :) That's the thing....discussing you baby with your friends is so exciting..they don;t lecture you...they don't judge you...they are just happy for you..only if we lived closer.Then came our newly married friend..well ...and what a transformation I saw in her...make up, designer dress, straightened hair...and she was one of the most laid back girls back in college...least bothered about her looks..man that was some change.

Offcourse Riaan had to intervene to make his presence felt...but he was a good baby...didn't trouble me much...just had his milk and slept...before we realized it was 11:30 already and I was like it;s better we leave before he wakes up and gets fussy.See another change...meeting your friends after so long but all you worry about is your baby's sleep and you're scared of his tantrums! That pretty much sums up how we felt through out our trip.

The next day we decided to go out around lunch time...after Riaan had his nap...we shortlisted Laxmi Misthan Bhandar to try the famous Thali...it was right in the middle of a market but it was a Sunday and the shops were mostly closed...all my shopping instincts came to rest and I focused on food instead which was yum.Through our lunch...we kept on taking turns to keep Riaan entertained but God..eating out with that young a baby is not that easy for sure...they can get disturbed with any noise...they want to go out when you want to sit and eat...they just want you to leave what you are doing and do something else.

By the time we left...we were too scared to venture out further...heading back to the hotel felt like the safest option and thats what we did. 

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 11 contd. - Anniversary Trip

Moving on from that weird meeting...I was looking forward to our Anniversary trip...it was our 3rd anniversary...I was really excited...the last 1 year had been much of a test for both us..I mean me and my husband..all these changes happening around...his job kept him extremely tied up...I had more than enough time (during pregnancy) and now with Riaan with us..we hardly got time with each other.

It's seriously weird the way your equation changes once you have a baby...n that too if you are staying in a joint family..people tend to think that it helps to get some time off...but I think it's the other way round...you are always surrounded with people...so there are days when you wait to spend some quality time with you better half but before you know it...you have other people coming and playing with your baby in your very room and all you can do is smile at them :) I mean it's nice of them to be so loving towards the baby...but at times I really feel that how difficult is it to understand that the new parents should also get some time together - I think it's a basic requirement and if someone is genuinly concerned about you - he/she will understand this.I didn't remember the last time me and my hubby had a meaningful discussion about each other...it was always about Riaan and if not that, then the family in general...it was as if we were losing each other in this whole new set up.

I was not liking this change so this trip was a much needed getaway for me.We were going to Jaipur...I had a couple of old friends to meet there...I had some shopping plans in my mind and just some good time for the three of us.But before we get to that - we had a different scenario when it all started. So like on our trip to Agra, my parents had accompanied us, my in laws were supposed to join us for this trip.Honestly at first I did not like the idea - I mean come on it was supposed to be our anniversary trip - I wouldn't have wanted any set of parents or anyone else to be with us - infact if I had a choice I would have wanted to leave Riaan behind as well...just for a day...I just wanted both of us to be together...just as we were before the baby! But...off course..not possible.

So just 3 days before the trip...due to some work my in-laws had to stay back...and the devil inside me was secretly happy...( I know I sound horrible but it;s the truth)...it was such a comforting thought...it's finally just us...I surely wouldn't have had any issues any other time but on anniversary trips - it has to be just us.

I did get a bit nervous about handling Riaan all by ourselves...but it was far more exiting so we just happily got all set to go.Luggage in the car....baby and mommie in the front seat along with dadda and we went off.Unlike the Agra trip...Riaan refused to sleep in the car this time...which meant we had to keep him engaged constantly with something...like my hand movements...changing his position...pointing to things outside...and his toys! I think that is what had me tired...so somewhere in the middle of the way...I decided to go to the back seat where I will be able to put him down for a while and give my arms some rest.

Luckily to my comfort he slept off for while I was feeding him and I got some time to just enjoy my ride...I love doing that...watch outside in silence...just look at the beauty of the scenes around...absorb the stillness and just relax.I have always loved traveling and now with a baby it was a different experience..but moments like this still made me feel the same satisfaction as before...just as a little girl how I used to love it...I could do it for hours together :)

I was going to jaipur after good 5 years...was about to meet 2 of my friends...one of them after almost 8 years...yeah that long...and we both have had our babies in just about a gap of 1 month...was really exited to see her little doll...and you know it's quite exciting when you meet your long lost friends with their babies :D the other one had just got married (I had missed the wedding due to my pregnancy)... Haaa...I had this faint smile thinking about our prospective meeting and that's when my phone buzzed!

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 11 - Reality check time - Mommy Profiling

Once the colic phase had passed - I got a chance to discuss this job opportunity (well you can say prospective opportunity as nothing was in hand yet) with my mum.The reason I wanted to ask her was that I felt I might be too desperate to jump on anything that can take me away from home at that moment...I might think very selfishly and I didn't want to take a decision in any haste.I had started to feel insecure about how will I be able to cope up with a job if I take a break for too long...and I did not want people at home to take me for granted...which tends to happen when you are a stay at home mom.

Mumma was clear as always - she told me to join only if I think I will be able to manage both work and the baby as this was the time my baby needs me the most...once he grows up he will not need me as much but now was the time I had to focus on him more than anything else....job can wait...but she said if you get a good option in terms of work flexibility there is no harm in joining...which made me feel better...it eased out the desperation in me and made me calm down and think with a cool mind.at times you get so carried away with your personal insecurities that you tend to overlook the obvious...which was exactly what I was doing.I had to stop....give my best to my current priority i.e Riaan and rest everything had to managed where in I can give quality time to him and manage my work along side.

So clear in my mind I called up the HR guy hoping to discuss the same with him but Voila....the job was already taken and he said sorry mam...for a second I went back to my old self blaming myself for missing it out...then I took a deep breath...recalled what mum told me and I said to myself - it's ok...may be for the better...I just need to relax...enjoy these moments I have to chill with Riaan and we'll get back to work when the time is right.(But this keeda to go out and do something was there in me bigitme...so eventually I tried a lot of things..but that comes later)

Surprisingly I got a call from the HR guy again 2 days later and he wanted me to come and meet their function head...and I was like wasn't the opening closed already...to which he said...our VP wants to meet you and I was like ok...(my hopes were high again :) so I got ready to meet...feeling a bit guilty already about leaving my baby behind for a job which was still not exactly mine but you know that feeling when you are suddenly positive about getting what you want.I reached their office waiting for the "Boss" to come...and Wooowwww...he turns out to be my ex-boss from an organization where I was working before I worked for Citi.Aaaahh....that's why he wanted to meet me...my hopes were all the more high now...he knows me...he called me to meet him...probably he will give me the job I thought....but well our conversation went something like this:

ME:Hello sir! Wow...It's you?? It's so good to see you after all this while. (I had to lie...trying to please the ex-boss to convert him into my current one ;)

HIM:Hello :) oh Yes! the moment I saw your CV I just had to meet you. But as sources tell me you have a small baby...how do you plan to work now?

ME:I have support at home sir...should be able to manage but I will need some flexibility from your side too.

HIM:Hmmm...ok..so since we have worked together and you are well aware of the kind of profile we have...I don;t think we need to discuss anything else. So what are your expectations in terms of CTC?

ME: (Jumping out of joy...wow...ctc...he is going to hire me for sure) well I would say at least a 40% hike (I wanted to give it a shot...I'm a horrible negotiator but I had to take a chance)

HIM: (eyes wide open) what?? who gives 40% hike...the max we can offer is 30%...plus you were on a break since almost last 1 year...that gap will effect your performance

ME:SHOCKED...(it took me a while to comprehend this) this gap certainly does not effect my experience or my skill when it comes to the work I have been doing for past 7 years...

HIM: (being diplomatic) hmmm...let me see what we can do...are you sure you will be able to manage to give the kind of work commitment required here...you have a small baby?? 

ME: sir...as I said I might need some flexibility but I can assure you I will not let it hamper my work.

Meeting over...he asked me to check with him on the job status by the end of the week. In my mind I was sure he will not give me anything...the way he brought up these issues like one year gap and work commitment with a baby...I mean I never really understood why the hell did he even call me for a meeting.

This meeting taught me something - what working mothers go through - even if they leave behind everything and just stick to work they are still questioned about their sincerity and work commitment...I never see that happening with a father.It was a reality check for me that it will not be easy for me to find a job on my terms but nevertheless I won't give up. It also lead me to do some research on how things are otherwise with new moms when it comes to finding jobs and thats when I came across this phrase - "Mommy Profiling"! Mommy Profiling is defined as "employment discrimination against woman who has, or will have, children." So yes there is a real thing which has a problem with women being mothers..not just in India...it's prevalent across the world...and I thought we are moving towards equality..yeah right...in my dreams I guess!

When I got back home...I looked at Riaan and I hope he never has to face these kind of people (which is inevitable I know)...I just wanted to keep his innocence intact...he had started to smile now and that sweet genuine smile...I did not want it to go away ever...and especially not because of these goons.

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 10 - Enters the monster - Colic!!

Colic - one word every new mother has heard of but you never expect it will happen to your baby...natural human instinct...we always wish the best things to happen to our babies and the worst to stay away! So when Riaan had his first colicy episode - back in Agra (remember the crazy crying) - I had no clues what it was and the last thing that came to my mind was colic.We had happily come to my mom's place post our Agra trip - I wanted to discuss this job thingy with my mum and obviously its always good to be back :)

Since we had started to travel with Riaan now, I was hoping this week to be much like normal where I will be able to go out for a while..meet some friends and basically spend some happy time!The day we reached we were all too exhausted so we slept during the day but the very next day my little one had a scary surprise for me. He wasn't sleeping...like a max 20 min nap after bath and he was fussy for no reason...I thought may be he is finding this place new so he is not comfortable...I tried my best to comfort him...I stayed around him all the time...but no...he was still cranky.

On thing that always worked was carrying him in my arms...it was working now too...but the problem was that the moment I was keeping him down he was crying like crazy...I was like whats with him...why has he turned into a howling baby all of a sudden?? My mom suggested to give him some boiled water with fennel seeds (sauf ka pani as we all commonly know it) which should help if he has some gas. Now babies are known to be gassy...they pass a lot of gas and which is supposed to be good and healthy...but obviously if they do not pass it then it's a sign of trouble..so I tried that...he had the water but no result.

After a while we tried giving him milk...he had his usual quantity and was asking for more...so my mum said may be he is hungry and he has been crying for so long...you should give him more milk...so I did...and wow he had double the  quantity he usually has...but he was suddenly like extremely quite...no sound...no crying...nothing..but still peace is better than a wailing baby so I was like cool..may be it was just hunger.Then in less 5 seconds of me thinking ...he puked like really badly...and the crying started again this time with more rigor...and I was like shit...what the hell is wrong with my baby?? Before this I was quite irritated with him but when I saw him puked up and so uncomfortable I started to worry...I obviously understood he is not enjoying this for sure (which I was thinking earlier...you tend to get cynical about your babies listening to their endless crying at times).

That is when I first realized that it might be colic.I had his colic drops handy and I gave him that....it took some time but he got a little better in a while...but he still was not his usual self.That was one one of the toughest days for me in the entire tenure of me being a mother till now...I was so scared for him and I didn't know how to comfort him...when he finally slept for sometime I did all the research on Colic - high time.

So what is colic?

Colic is uncontrollable crying in an otherwise healthy baby.A baby is considered colicky if he's younger than 5 months and cried for more than 3 hours in a row on 3 or more days a week for atleast 3 weeks (phew!).Colic isn't a disease and won't cause your baby any long term harm, but it's a tough thing to go through for babies and their parents.

How long does it last?

Colic tends to peak around 6 weeks and then improves significantly between 3-4 months.By 4 months of age, 80-90% of infants are over colic.

Tips to deal with Colic:

• Lay him across your lap and gently rub his back

• Apply Heeng (Asafoetida) on his tummy (around his belly button)

• Try infant massage

• Soak him in a warm bath

• Put a warm water bottle on your baby's belly

• Have him suck on a pacifier

• Use White noise to sooth the baby

• Use colic drops (as prescribed by your Doctor)

What worked for me was Heend, warm water and massage along with colic drops.

The reason I have made this one more of an informative entry is because I had a really hard time dealing with this and I would want to share all the information which helped me during that phase.Like in Riaan's case that entire week - almost 4 days at a stretch we faced this problem and it takes a toll on you when you see your baby crying that badly - after a point I just wanted to shout and cry myself...I had run out of patience.

I remember calling my husband and just venting out my frustration on him...he was patient enough to listen to me and that's a big help...I just needed to let out all the irritation which was built up during the day...we used to have long discussions on what could have possibly caused it.We decided to take him to his doctor once I was back home.

Finally on friday we had a normal evening...we were all too scared to believe it...he didn't cry but we were fearing it might happen any moment...it was funny how this little fellow had scared us that bad!I don't think I can forget this week ever...experiencing such fear and worry at the same time along with crazy levels of frustration - I felt like I'm so done with babies - and if any one dares to suggest me to have a second one I am just going to burst out in anger and slap that person really hard.Something like this chic below :D

Colic does that to a mom :) but always remember - be extremely patient with your baby...try the remedies listed above or if you have any other option  - try that out and do not hesitate to check with your doctor - I am not aware if there is a way to prevent colic - couldn't find anything - but we surely can deal with it and help our babies feel better :D

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 9 - Our First Trip - AGRA (Part -2)

The good thing about a sleeping baby is that you can pose with him easily and he'll still look adorable...and you can always use him as a cover up for your belly :P I had always adored the Taj but this time it was different...no crowd...peaceful and that early morning bliss adds magic to the whole scene...but we had a sleeping baby and before he woke up we had to head back to the hotel - no don't judge us yet - the moment he used to wake up in the morning back then - he used to be crying for milk - we had that handy - but there was no guarantee that he'll stop crying even after having milk - I blamed him for being moody back then but who knows what goes in their mind and why they cry non stop when they do....so to avoid that...we rushed back after roaming around for about half an hour.

Reaching the hotel - we went straight for breakfast - again taking turns to supervise Riaan - by then he was up and was having his milk - and I had become proficient in eating at jet speed - like just put food in the plate and gup gup gup - finished...back to baby....there was a time when I used to love taking my time especially when it came to buffets...I used to take my time to chose what I want to eat...try new stuff...give an exceptional amount of time and space to deserts but now it was all gone...and I think a couple of years to wait before that can happen again :) till then we'll enjoy eating at lightening fast speed and watch our babies eat with their face covered with food :D 

On our way back to our rooms - my mom dad took care of Riaan giving us some time to relax and get ready for the day - mum said she'll bathe him and I was like plzzz...thank you...what will I do without you mommie :( No really...that's exactly how you feel...it almost is like you are a baby again seeking help from mom for everything...I slept for good 2 hours and I had a shower in peace after 2 long months...and it was WOW!!! I have always loved staying in hotels...it has a special feel about it...they are meant to chill and now I was doing that :) but then I felt guilty for leaving everything on my mom so I pushed my lazy bum towards her room and what do I see...my little munchkin was all ready and dressed to go out!

When I say out it was only for important stuff like eating....but this time he was easy....he slept in my arms on the way and we had our lunch happily...I enjoyed my meal like never before...we had a south indian meal - I had my favorite curd rice and it was yummmm....alone with Ice cream soda...ummmm...I just want to freeze that moment in my mind right now...rare moments in a life of a new mom...eating in peace and feeling good about it :D happily we returned back to the hotel hoping that if Riaan gets a proper sleep now..we should be able to take a round of the city in the evening..atleast something to do before we leave the next day....but he did not sleep well....he was up by the time we reached our hotel and did not sleep for a minute the whole time.

By the time it was evening...we went ahead with the plan...moved out thinking worst case we'll head back if gets too cranky.Now in AGRA you don't really have much to do during evenings....so we just went to their main market...which meant some shopping...its famous for footwear and that is what we got along with "Panchi Petha" :) Riaan was patient till about time he felt his mom and naani might just spend their entire time shopping if he did not interrupt (plus I can bet he could sense there was nothing for him so he was Jealous)...we rushed towards the car..his milk handy...in his mouth but he didn't want any...and the moment we got in the car he started crying like really badly.

First I felt may be he got scared as it was dark inside the car but even after we put on the light he was still crying so loudly and I was scared as to something really uncomfortable is happening to him...I started feeling guilty for keeping him out for so long and then my mom came up with "Nazar lag gayi hogi" angle...I absolutely do not believe in this stuff but when you see your baby cry this bad you almost are on the verge of believing it.We hurriedly had our dinner on the way and rushed back to the hotel...I tried to soothe him...carried him in my arms for a good amount of time but his crying did not subside...I was getting super worried...he had never done this before...was it because of the vaccination?? was he too tired?? was it really nazar?? I was clueless as always...I again felt like a bad mom who doesn't know how to take good care of her baby :(

By the time he slept off in my arms I was exhausted myself...we both just crashed on the bed but he kept on waking up every 2 hours during the night...and my exhaustion level kept on rising...by the time it was time for us to leave the next day...I felt I should just let everyone else go and I should stay back to sleep!! 

On our way back I was just thinking  - wether it was a good a idea to have taken this trip?? I mean if you think from a normal person's perspective - like me before being a mom I would have called it a disaster...I mean we were practically grounded in the hotel for most of our time...why travel to AGRA to do that..yeah...but as a mother I think I felt a sense of accomplishment - our first trip together as a family...we did some blunders yes but we had our good times too....I was better prepared for our travel next time and I guess even Riaan would have learned something (Hopefully)...we made some amazing memories and that counts! so yes...cheers to more trips with the baby..we had one more in pipeline now  - JAIPUR for our anniversary!!

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 9 - Our first Trip - AGRA (part 1)

So once back home I decided to make Riaan sleep first and then start with the packing.By this time I had started a night time routine for him which included a light massage along with a warm water sponge. By the time I made him wear his sleep suit he suddenly started crying like I had almost choked him...yes it was that loud and that scary.Like a sudden eruption of tears and I was like what the hell did I do...our house maid came running to my room to check if I needed help but at that point I was so clueless that didn't know what to do. I did what worked in most cases...I carried him in my arms and tried to pacify him...was hoping the "Jaadu ki jhappi" to work for me..it did but after good 20 minutes of soothing him. Riaan finally fell asleep in my arms but I still continued to walk fearing that he'll wake up and start crying again. 

So there was this phase where he only used to sleep when we carried him and walked - his head resting on our shoulders and a light pat on his back.The moment he realised that we had taken a seat he used to wake up and started to cry.I remember doing this for good half an hour everyday - the only thing that kept me motivated was that it'll help me get back to fit...but God it was tiring!!

Once he slept off...I rushed and packed all the stuff...a big suitcase filled with Riaan's stuff and a small backpack for me :) by the time I got back to my room I realized the doctor had asked me to keep a check on his temperature...I checked his forehead and it seemed like normal so I thought I shouldn't fuss too much...let me try and sleep it's going to be ok.When we woke up again for his feed...I felt he was a bit warm...I checked with thermometer this time and it still showed normal temperature...I got some relief and tried sleeping again once I fed him...but I couldn't. I was nervous about the next day...what if Riaan actually gets fever...should we go or is it better that we cancel the trip. My parents had been waiting for this trip so canceling it meant they would be disappointed...I mean obviously they would not put anything over Riaan's health but you know that sad feeling when you really are waiting for a trip and you cannot make it last minute.I didn't want that to happen.

I prayed the whole night that Riaan should stay fine but eventually he did get fever when I checked around 4 in the morning...I gave him Crocin drops as prescribed by the doctor and I just kept praying that it should come down by the time we leave.I had never been this worried about anybody's health till date...I was realizing how painful it is for a mom to see her own kid suffering...his body was so warm and I could imagine all sort of weird things in my head.By the time the sun came up I just asked my husband if we should cancel the trip as I did not want to take any chance with Riaan's health but thankfully he was cool and said don't worry we'll take care of him...it was just a 2 day trip anyhow so it should not be an issue.I felt better....and I got Riaan ready.We picked my parents and were all set to go...I was happy to see Riaan sleep peacefully...fever gone by now and I was just hoping that he stays this way till we reach...no drama on the way is best :) 

Just about when we were about to pull over for a break - he started to be a bit cranky and we thought he needs a diaper change...it had been a while and in the early months babies pee like every 5 minutes I think.So we took him to the loo...no diaper changing table here...thankfully mom was there...so we placed a tissue on the commode top...placed Riaan on that...mom held him and that's how I managed to clean him...he loves to poop while we are out I suppose so obviously here again it was the same story.Poop all over and wow I was becoming a diaper changing expert..can do it anytime anywhere now :D

We reached our hotel ard 2 pm and all I wanted to do was sleep...stretch and sleep...but no..we had to take a shower..go out for lunch...and see if there was any scope of roaming around in the evening...First thing first...we had to bathe Riaan.Now I had never done that till now...my MIL or my mum had been doing it all along so here too...thanks to mommie...I was only a spectatre while she handled it.By the time we went out for lunch Riaan has started to sleep again and we were like wow...perfect...let him sleep and we'll eat in peace but that was only for a short while - until food arrived. He started his tantrums right after and we took turns to handle him so that the rest of us could eat.

By the time we got done with lunch we had dropped all plans to go out in the evening...he was in a weird mood it seems....so we came back to the hotel...my mom dad took Riaan with them to give us some rest but kids make you restless. I was all worked up and after trying to rest for a while...I landed in my mom dad's room to check on him. There he was...sitting with his angry expression on :| 

Our evening was spent just trying to keep him entertained and woooh...I was realizing traveling with a baby is not a joke...I guess my vacations will never be the same.We decided to visit Taj Mahal early morning the next day since it was June and going late meant unbearable heat and crowd which we absolutely wanted to avoid. So morning 6 am we were ready to go...Riaan still sleeping..it was wonderful to see Taj early morning...so serene and soothing...Riaan kept on sleeping the whole time we were there...and we were too sacred to wake him up...I know it's weird you take your baby the first time to see a monument and you let him sleep the whole time but you see as parents we were too scared to handle his uncontrollable crying fit (which was becoming a norm back then). So we took pictures of him with the Taj as proof that we took him - he slept off - not our fault :P 

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 8 - Enters the much awaited baby sitter!

So after almost struggling for a month and a half we found a help - given the crazy demand for baby sitters - we were happy to find one through a reliable connection and I had started to imagine what all can I do in my free time :D

She had a problem with cleaning Riaan's poop - this was the first thing she said "Didi mai Potty clean nahi karungi" and I was like okk...then I thought its kinda normal for a new person to feel the same...I mean I wouldn't have done it too...so I said thats ok...we'll take care of it. Then my MIL asked her if she would bathe him and she was like "aunty...mujhe darr lagta hai...baby slip ho gaya to"...my heart rate jumped a bit...and I decided right then I'm not giving Riaan to her for bathing ever.

I thought - forget bathing and diaper change...atleast she'll look after him in terms of making him sleep or feeding him milk when I'm not around...but it seems she had different plans. So the way it was turning out to be was...Riaan used to fall asleep having his milk and then till he wakes up there was nothing much to do - she used to love watching TV and she used to ask me to put some daily soap to watch. Initially I thought that its ok half n hour of TV is harmless...let her have some chill time but she used to be literally glued to the TV once it was on. Like once Riaan woke up and he started to cry...I was in the loo taking a shower and when it was over 5 mins and he did not stop crying I just rushed out to see what is wrong.And there she was watching tv...patting him with her hands but face towards the TV and I was like WHAT the heck - am I paying her to do this??

I mean she was hired to take care of the baby and that seemed to be her last priority...so just in a matter of 5 days I had to send her back... and that lead me to an extremely apprehensive outlook towards baby sitters - I mean I don't think I would be able to trust someone until that lady is really really good and committed towards her job and that too with supervision.

Around the same time I got my first call for an interview and I was in a fix....I did not expect any calls to come this soon and I think by now you must have understood the kind of person I am...I tend to think way ahead of the situation which isn't exactly required every time but I still do it...so here again...I got worried...I do not have a help...the baby is barely 2 months old...how can I take a job this soon...and then on second thoughts...the office of that organization was quite close to my house and it seemed to be a great workplace based on reviews I had got from some people I knew who worked there.I was in a big time dilemma...what should I do??

A part of me wanted to jump at the opportunity and while the other was thinking that I am being too selfish...I should be taking care of my baby...I will not get this time again.I did not want to rush into anything so I decided to ask for a week's time for an interview - I obviously had to cook some story to make that work but the HR agreed and I got my time to think.

In between we had a trip planned for the coming weekend with my parents - my first trip with my parents after marriage - so it was special :) We were going to Agra and I was super excited as I was traveling after almost a year but also nervous as we had Riaan with us and we were absolutely clueless about how is it going to be with him! 

Before this trip was his 2nd vaccination too...this time I was better prepared though but still it is always painful to see your lil one cry that badly when he gets one.The doctor warned me that he might get some fever and I was like shit...we need to travel tomorrow and that is the last thing I want.I still had my packing to do...my hubby had a crazy routine the entire week so he was running late..it was all on me.

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 7 - Trying to look beyond the baby!!

All this while my life was taken over with Riaan and his stuff - I had no routine like I mentioned before - I could hardly plan anything thanks to unpredictability babies are blessed with and the expectation everyone had around me - that I should just be happy being with him and nothing else matters beyond that - but now it had started to get on my nerves!! I mean ok so I have a cute little baby and I love him but I can't just do that the whole time - you need to do some work or something that makes you feel like a normal person.

I remember having a conversation with my husband one day before I had left for my mom's place - where I mentioned to him that I had never felt this low in life and in comparison to the same time last year (when I was attending my training for TFI Fellowship - which was like a completely exhausting but enjoyable experience for me) this felt all the more depressing - staying at home the whole day and just watch the baby sleep! He was shocked to hear that - he was like LOW?? :O and that was when I realized that he has no idea whats it like to do this - full time. I'm sure there are mom's who love to do this - and I totally respect them - that is something I lack - but for me this was not as rosy as I had pictured it and to break this monotony was important.

So all this time at mom's place - all the sleepless nights with Riaan - there was this constant thought in mind - what should I do??It was too soon to go back to a job, studies is something I have zero commitment for and honestly with a small baby it did not seem like a great idea...hobby classes or may be join a gym - get back to fit - were some options I had.But off course these things are easier said than done...the moment you propose such ideas - first question - who will look after the baby - he needs you - you're the mom! Like I did not know already :D ....so I decided on a simple thing to do for myself - something I did during my pregnancy as well - go out once a week - do what you like - even if its for an hour or two...just do it.This has always worked for me and this time too it did wonders to my self confidence.

The first day I went out - I decided to go alone - ordered a yum chocolate brownie shake for myself - opened my Lappy and updated my CV. Now this gives you some boost in terms of feeling good about yourself...I thought it will anyways take time for me to get a job (now with more ifs and buts from both sides ;) ) so I should keep my CV ready and post it on all the job sites and update my Linkedin just in case some opportunity comes knocking - I should be ready for it (I'm still waiting for that knock though :D) - I was being over optimistic off course!

That was first time out by myself after almost 3 months (I wasn't allowed to travel alone starting 8th month of pregnancy) and it felt awesome - almost like orgasmic awesome - I wanted to just stay out - feel like a normal girl who does not have to worry about her baby waking up for milk or changing his nappy - I can still feel the happiness I experienced that day! I missed on clicking a pic - I should have as a memory :) but for now we'll do with the yummy shake's picture!

This was followed by a superb weekend - which included shopping and a movie (anything that makes you get out of the house is superb once you are a stay at home mom). We took Riaan for the shopping trip - this time my hubby was all enthusiastic to take charge and I was more than happy to let go :D I can bet you know what it is like - set me free feel! I ended up buying clothes which were almost skin fit for me hoping that i'l reduce and fit into them comfortably in the months to come - I'm still trying to get to that perfect size (it seems never ending at times) but I loved it. Shopping was like giving me a new high everytime I indulged into it - it was like all the restraint I had maintained in the last couple of months was being shattered - I wanted to buy everything I could lay my hands on...and it was crazy  -  I looked at my hubby and Riaan waiting in one corner of the showroom - I loved my babies for being extremely patient <3

I was looking forward to the coming week - we had finally found a maid to baby sit - I was glad to find someone who could help me get some time off and help me start with something I would like to do!

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 6 - Our first trip to the mall!

Naani's house is meant to be fun...atleast for the mother :) ever since I got married...whenever I visited my mommy's place...I always felt a sense of calm and peace inside my mind...like no expectations...you can just chill...lie on the couch the whole day....skip shower...roam around in shots/pj's...eat what you like - when you like -however way you like ...there was nobody to question anything...though nobody questions me at my in-laws too...but still it's never the same as your mum's place...but not any more :( I had a baby who was a constant reminder that your time to chill is gone - you report to duty when I call - which was all the bloody time.

With Riaan I could barely tell any difference...there was no time to talk...I could barely take couple of minutes off to pee...the only time I had to myself was when he slept during the day but that too was like conditional...like if I stay in the same room watching over him..he sleeps...but the moment I think that may be I can go out..talk to mom...or watch tv...call a friend..he'll wake up within 5 minutes of that thought entering my mind!! Yes...I think he can read my mind...totally.

We had no routine...I used to wake up when Riaan refused to go back to sleep...I almost acted like a Zombie half way through noon...by the time my mum gave him a bath...I used to keep his stuff ready (milk, clothes, powder, lotion, nappy cream, diaper - that's a lot for a baby I feel)....then we used to hope that he will sleep for a while atleast but most days he woke up in like 20 minutes flat. I do not remember taking a shower anytime before 4 pm except one day when we decided to go out.

Now that was a big thing...taking Riaan out for the first time...and when I say out it's not going to some one's place but literally out...to the mall :D Yaiyeeee....I had been waiting for this day...it took me 5 long days to do this...otherwise my older self never stayed at home with mom...we both love to go out...watch movies...shop...eat out...so we really had to control ourselves but then we gave up.We thought lets be brave and take the kid out.I again had all the stuff ready...warm water for the way and the mall...formula...spare clothes...pram...diapers (lots of them)...wipes...baby wrap..I think that was it. 

Riaan happily slept on the way and we got a little confident that this should be fine...he will be fresh by the time we reach and he should allow us an hour or two before we head back.The moment we entered the...he started crying...and I was like :O how cum...you just slept...then I thought may be he was hungry but no he did not want milk...the next option was diaper change...so I looked for a loo...and there was a loo especially for mommies like me with a diaper changing table...now that is an experience...changing your baby's diaper on his first outing in a public place..he had pooped...and thank God mum was with me..it would have been rather tough for me to handle this all by self...you need practice! once that was done...now he wanted milk..so I gave him the bottle and we waited for a while till he feel full and is happy to go.By now me and mom had actually started to exchange those looks like should be we go back...may be it wasn;t a good idea to get him here...but he was happily having his milk and may be planning his next move!

He allowed us to eat our lunch in peace...but that was it...post that he just refused to sit in his pram...he just wanted to be held and even then he was acting cranky God knows why?? So we rushed back to the car and headed home...just when we were about to reach...my mum asked me if I would like to check out a shop near our place (now since Riaan had again dozed off to sleep) and I just jumped out of excitement...I had refrained from shopping for last 2  months almost and the very prospect of buying something for myself was too tempting for me to refuse. I was ready to risk a cranky baby for the love of shopping and it was worth it!I got two pretty kurtas and that feeling of fitting into your previous size before you turned into a walking football...it was amazing!!!! 

See that's the thing about mom's they just know how to make your day when you least expect anything to bring back that girly sparkle in your eyes :)

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 6 - We go to Naani's house finally!!

I was waiting for this day....and I had dreams...mom's place meant all the fun...unlimited sleep...crazy shopping sprees...catching up with my family...I had already started to party in my mind...Ohh this was just what I needed and here I was finally!! 

I was all excited to pack my bags...got Riaan ready and so did I :) It was the first time Riaan was about to travel for 1.5 hours so we were a bit nervous too about how will he be on the way...we were hoping he wont get cranky mid way and he did show mercy on us...he slept through most of the times and we were happy to travel in peace :D

Once there...my mom had come down to receive us...she had been waiting to meet Riaan and the moment I was out of the car...she took over him with the brightest smile I had seen in a long time.That's the thing about having kids...when you see your parents holding them with such joy...it feels so good...it's one of those heart melting moments in life :) Coming to the luggage..well there was lots...since I had come here to stay for around a week...I was carrying everything possible for Riaan...so a bag full of clothes, diapers, formula, feeding bottles, sterilizer, bottle warmer, his pram - everything was to be carried...my mom had already bought toys for him so thankfully that was taken care of.

Riaan was happy to be there too it seems since we woke up without making any noise...he was just silently observing the new place he was in...and as he woke up my duty resumed again...had to feed him...make him burp and then check if he wants to sleep again or is he ok to stay awake...yeah so like that early in motherhood you still need time to understand this...unless the baby doses off while feeding (which is something I always hoped for :P)...so he did not want to sleep...so me and my hubby started to play with him...showing him all the new toys...and as we were getting comfortable he suddenly puked...like really puked all his milk out...like a waterfall of curdled milk and I was like shocked :O it was the first time I saw him doing something like this...first day at mom;s house and this...no...I did not want this!! I cleaned him up...changed his clothes...changed the bed sheet...and then I carried him for sometime so that he feels a bit better.

Finally my dad was back from work and I could not wait to see him with Riaan. So far whenever we met he always looked at Riaan from a distance...never getting too close..I thought that was natural since all of us are scared to hold new born's...but now I felt he would be happy to hold him and I was right...first time in my life I saw my dad holding a baby that small and trying to talk to him...I was amazed watching that scene...he was just like he was with me when I was a kid...making funny faces...and those weird sounds I loved listening to..2 of my favorite men (well Riaan is technically about to be a man  so) happily looking at each other ...one of my favorite moments!!

Once my hubby left...it was just the four of us...mom got busy with cooking dinner....dad and I started to talk when suddenly Riaan started crying which meant it was time for feed...I gave him milk...he started to sleep and I felt haa...now he will sleep and I'll get back to my discussion...but no..the moment I kept him down on the bed....he started crying again...and I was like...whyy?? You had your milk...now you're sleepy...so sleep...but no...he had other plans...he wanted to sleep on my shoulder and stay that way...I said to myself...it's just his first day here...may be he;s a bit uncomfortable..new place...new surroundings...lets give him some time...but as it turned out the entire week was not enough for this to change.