Being Mommy - L.I.V.E in Action - It's time to Feed

The sun's rays lit up our room...I could barely sleep through the night but I felt much better in terms of the physical discomfort I had the day before...the pain had subsided...I could move a bit and my legs were free now that machine was off me.But I was thirsty...my throat was dry like a desert...without a drop of water since yesterday. I never knew I could miss having water as much as I did then...I was craving for a drop of water...the on duty doctor came and suggested I can be given a spoon of water to begin with....if i do not feel any pain or discomfort post that they'll give me a glass of juice after some gap...I could have drooled looking at that spoon of water if I had enough saliva in my mouth...it was that tempting!!

Once I got a hold of myself....I got my baby in my hands finally...Aww that little thing...so delicate...I was almost scared to touch it fearing it'll disturb his sleep...and then suddenly he made this weird funny sound...something like ...uugggghhhh...and I just had to control my laughter...it would have hurt my stitches...and I was surprised to hear this...like a tiny little baby making that sound...that too while sleeping...indeed is funny...the nurse around said babies do that...and I was aaaahhhh...I had no clues about it...then he started moving his hands and he started to let out a the cutest cry...and in less than 5 seconds that turned into a wail...and I was like that was quick!!

So now I had to try and feed him...I had read about it...watched videos on how to go about it but nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen...I tried feeding him but he wasn't able to suck properly...I asked the nurse for help and then....I had three people around me...2 holding the baby and one telling me on how to go about it...followed by some tips coming from my mom...I was in complete distress...it was almost like a public affair...and to top it all I wasn't getting the feed. This probably is closest what our expression was at that time - looking at each other :D

Once people realized that...it was like a series of torture that was about to be inflicted on me...right from endless advice to the scary warnings...that if your baby does not get your feed it will be really bad for him...mother's feed is superbly important...you have to do something about it...and it went on and on and on....so I tried everything...using nipple shields...to breast pump...but nothing worked...at least not that day and I was super tensed...what will I do now? Will my baby be ok?? What if I do not get any feed for him?? Will he survive?

That chain of thoughts continued for a good number of days even after I got my discharge...as the problem persisted.

For mother's like me we have Formula milk -  a blessing indeed. So we fed him with it till we had a solution to my problem. By then we had lots of visitors coming to see us..majorly him...I looked like some ghost right out of a horror movie...my hair was all over the place...face looked like a jaundice patient with big dark circles around my eyes.I had read it somewhere that while you prepare your hospital bag for delivery...keep things like a Lip gloss, dry shampoo and a BB cream handy so that you look good for the visitors...but trust me at that time...you give a shit to what people think about your looks...infact you don't want people to come in...you just need your rest and anything that keeps you distracted from the pain/discomfort..make up is absolutely not required...you wont have the energy only to think about it!

I finally got my breakfast and juice and that was the yummiest meal I had in a looong time...thats what fasting for a whole day makes you feel like...I had never loved bournvita milk as much as I did today...yummmmm....it was luxury :D 

Then it was time to pee....and ohhh..I needed 2 people to hold me and make me stand up...then I needed 1 person to help me pee...tie back my lowers...that was one moment where I felt absolutely disgusted at this whole process...why does it have to be this bad?? By now I had trashed the concept of privacy...I couldn't afford to stick to it given my condition...and also funnily the nurses were almost congratulating me once I was done...like some milestone achieved..."She peeed" ...like a full on announcement!! Similar thing happened when I pooped and I was like wowww....it has never been that important...LOL!!

The next day we were all set for discharge...I got my dose of advice for the baby and me from the pediatrician, Nutritionist and the Lactation consultant ...I had to meet my doctor and the pediatrician again in a week's time. I was happy to go home...these past 3 days had been quite different than what I had expected...and none of the baby sites or apps prepared me for this...which is why I have intentionally mentioned everything that you do not expect otherwise...had to...I almost felt its my duty to do to do it.

Being Mommy - L.I.V.E in action

I heard the baby cry...It is out...it is finally out...haaaaa...it was such a relief to hear that cry...I was feeling a bit dizzy again when I heard the pediatrician say "Here's your baby"...n OMG...that cute little thing is my baby...the cheeks..awwww...then he said - "It's a Boy"...in my mind I was like - "Ohhhh...a boy!! I was hoping for a girl...never mind...its soooo cuteeee" - I touched his cheeks to feel it for real..my baby!!!

I could hear someone talking but I could hardly register what were they saying...I opened my eyes again and I was in some recovery room...and I had started to feel some pain..but I was drowsy and I just wanted to know when can I see my baby?? I asked the nurse and she said it will take some time for me to be shifted back in my room...I sighed..and dosed off again...I dunno how much time later but there was this sharp pain I had started to feel...it was disturbing...I was still a bit drowsy...but this pain was not letting my sleep...I asked the nurse if I could get a pain killer...she said they need to give some gap so not now..n I was like shit...I hope it doesn't get worse...but It did...it was intensifying every minute...

They finally started to move me to the other bed which was to be taken to my room...they lifted me up and it was weird to be held like you're some dead meat...I could hardly feel anything in my legs...but I heard the nurse say that the bed sheet had a lot of blood...and I was like...wattttt..Am I bleeding that bad?? Did they forget to stitch me up?? :O 

As I was moved out of the OT area I saw him...my husband..waiting for me...I felt so good to see him after all this...he was walking with us towards the room...he held my hand and I was just glad to have him around...a warm touch was badly needed!!

Finally in my the room...I had my whole family waiting...I was surprised to see that...is that even allowed I thought?? and my baby was there too...my Hubby showed me the baby...but by then my pain had started to hit really bad so I could just look at it...he was sleeping like an angel...but I didn't have the strength to hold him..I so badly wanted to...my cute lil baby..I was trying to register who does he look like...me or my husband...I was hoping he looks somewat like me too...and what will I do with all the pink stuff :) These thoughts helped me fight that crazy pain...but only for a while...post which I had started to feel terrible..I was begging the nurse to get me a pain killer...it was getting unbearable...it was like when you are down...the cramps...1000x into that pain...my legs were fixed in that machine....which made me feel all the more restless..

I looked at my mom almost like a child..and I could see she was in pain looking at me like that...probably the only person in that room who was worried about me...everybody else was quite lost in the baby...but she was just looking at me..thats when I realized what a Mother is...nothing else matters when you see your child in pain...I wanted to cry....but since I had nothing to drink since morning...my mouth was dry...I wasn't even getting tears...I just wanted her to hold me like I was baby myself.

Later in the evening when everybody else had left..it was just me, my mom and the baby...I was finally given the pain killer...a nurse came and changed my dressing...I saw the blood in that...and shit...I promised myself I will never have a baby again in life...once is enough...all this pain....all this blood not happening again.

I do not remember when I dosed off...the last thing I remember was that I wanted to look at my baby more closely and mumma had showed him...he was sleeping peacefully..and I couldn't wait for myself to feel better...I was looking forward to the morning when I will finally be able to hold my baby close to me....suddenly I heard a cry...I thought I am dreaming about the baby cry may be..but no it was for real...the cry got louder and I woke up...my mom too jolted and suddenly went to fetch the baby...he was hungry...like really hungry I presume...I was not in a position to feed so we called for the nurse to feed him with formula...she looked at me hoping that I could try feeding...but I could barely sit...forget feeding my baby...so she took him.

The same thing continued throughout the night...and it was confusing as to what lead to the cry...is the baby hungry...wet diaper...he wants to be held...what is it??There was no set frequency but anytime he used to wake up and cry like its the end of the world...and I felt superbly helpless...I could barely move...it was my mom who was struggling to keep the baby comfortable....I could see my baby needed me...but I had no strength to help him out...we tried to make him sleep next to me in my bed...but I wasn't even able to turn towards him to try feeding him...in my heart I was crying too with him..I wasn't able to fulfill a basic need for my little one..what kind of a mother was I?? 

It was an unbearable long night...I was feeling guilty...for not being able to help my baby and to put my mom through so much trouble...I could see she was tired..but she was still there to be by my side when I was probably the most vulnerable in my life. I can't explain the gratitude I felt for having her there with me..I love her so much!!!

My Journey of Motherhood (Part 7) - The BIG Day and the Gory Hospital Stay!!

It was the day I was to be admitted to the hospital…My mom had come over to our place….jokes were being cracked about how none of their “nuskhas” had worked on me…secretly I was glad it did not…I was to see the doctor in the afternoon for my check up.

Little did I know it will be a trailer to the series of events about to follow….I went to the doc…she asked me to remove my lowers so that she could check me internally…my eyes had suddenly popped out…internal checkup…I had heard about it but so far I had been lucky enough to escape any such scenarios but I guess it was time now. I tried to breathe and let her do what was needed….but Ouuuucccccchhhhhhhh…Mannn this was bloody painful…I felt this sudden sharp pain…I almost let out a cry...and as per the Doc she had hardly been able to check anything…and I was like what??? but it was so painful..sorry :(

That was when I had started to realize that I do not think I will be able to make through a normal delivery…I’m just not ready for it.

The Doc called my mom and Husband inside to explain the procedure and she also told my mom to prepare me in terms of delivery process and the pain involved…but somewhere I had already decided in my mind that I don’t want to go through any of it…I was really scared now.

So at night when I was finally taken to the hospital to get admitted…I was feeling a bit relaxed…thinking we will see whatever happens…I had tried to calm myself down and focus on the task at hand…the baby should be out safely.I had imagined myself pushing the baby a few times like they show in movies and every time I used to just shoo away the picture.

We got our room…I settled on my bed…they got me sandwiches and juice and it felt nice..but then started the never ending intrusion of nurses followed by doctors…and I was absolutely shocked by the invasion of privacy…some random nurse would come and suddenly start removing your pants like its like the most normal thing in the world...and all you can do is look shocked and nervous about what next are they going to insert in your bum or through your pelvis...this was berserk...where is that Man who lead me to this??

In my case...the process started like this :First they had to attach the monitor to keep a check on baby's heartbeat and contractions – trust me the heartbeat sound is no less than like a train passing by in full force…we could barely sleep that night with that thumping sound –  followed by a dose of enema right through my but and I was like shit....then it was induction time...OMG and little did I know it will be as painful as that earlier round of internal check up – I had the same reaction – like some reflex action – that’s when I got my second warning “You cant handle 2 fingers in there….how will you push a 3.5 kg baby out” and I was like yeah that’s exactly what I am thinking…and that was it…in my mind I had decided I’ll go for a c-sec…I do not want a normal delivery….I was scared that if I happen to react the same way on the delivery table…my baby is going to get stuck and I did not want to harm him cos I had issues dealing with this pain. My baby’s safety will be assured in  a c-sec and that’s the only thing that mattered to me.

I was told to wait till next morning  - to see if I get contractions else the doctor will recommend what is to be done next...the whole night I was praying that I should not get any contractions...though everyone else around me was hell bent on a normal delivery but I somehow felt so unsure about it that I did not want to take any risk and now it didn't matter what others wanted or thought was right.

The following morning...I was given a glass of juice and post that I was told to not have anything...that was a sign...they had also decided to go for a c-sec since I did not get any symptom of Labor or contractions...I told my mum what I had decided and she supported me...she knew me well in any case so thought it was best for me...Once the doctor was in...she asked me if I wanted to try induction again or if I would consider taking a break for 2-3 days and go for induction then to try for a normal delivery...I was like NO...I'm not going through this again...I know I won't be able to handle it...lets just get the operation done and get the baby out safely.I think everybody around me was a bit disappointed by this but I knew that what I am doing is right for me and my baby.

Around noon the nurse came in to take me to the OT...thats when I gulped to reassure myself..it will all be fine...I sat in the wheel chair and we were off...once in the OT...I had left myself in the hands of the people around...I did not want to think about anything...the injection in my back was bloody painful ....I was almost shivering by that time and I was really scared looking around the place...after I lied down I don't remember much except when the Doctor asked me - if I was feeing ok..and I could barely say Yes...and then she said "you'll hear the baby cry in 5 mins" and I was like yeah...like its that easy huh...but OMG!! It indeed happen...I did hear the cry in just about 5 minutes...and what a relief that cry gave me...I think I would have smiled a bit listening to it...I think I did :)