I heard the baby cry...It is out...it is finally out...haaaaa...it was such a relief to hear that cry...I was feeling a bit dizzy again when I heard the pediatrician say "Here's your baby"...n OMG...that cute little thing is my baby...the cheeks..awwww...then he said - "It's a Boy"...in my mind I was like - "Ohhhh...a boy!! I was hoping for a girl...never mind...its soooo cuteeee" - I touched his cheeks to feel it for real..my baby!!!
I could hear someone talking but I could hardly register what were they saying...I opened my eyes again and I was in some recovery room...and I had started to feel some pain..but I was drowsy and I just wanted to know when can I see my baby?? I asked the nurse and she said it will take some time for me to be shifted back in my room...I sighed..and dosed off again...I dunno how much time later but there was this sharp pain I had started to feel...it was disturbing...I was still a bit drowsy...but this pain was not letting my sleep...I asked the nurse if I could get a pain killer...she said they need to give some gap so not now..n I was like shit...I hope it doesn't get worse...but It did...it was intensifying every minute...
They finally started to move me to the other bed which was to be taken to my room...they lifted me up and it was weird to be held like you're some dead meat...I could hardly feel anything in my legs...but I heard the nurse say that the bed sheet had a lot of blood...and I was like...wattttt..Am I bleeding that bad?? Did they forget to stitch me up?? :O
As I was moved out of the OT area I saw him...my husband..waiting for me...I felt so good to see him after all this...he was walking with us towards the room...he held my hand and I was just glad to have him around...a warm touch was badly needed!!
Finally in my the room...I had my whole family waiting...I was surprised to see that...is that even allowed I thought?? and my baby was there too...my Hubby showed me the baby...but by then my pain had started to hit really bad so I could just look at it...he was sleeping like an angel...but I didn't have the strength to hold him..I so badly wanted to...my cute lil baby..I was trying to register who does he look like...me or my husband...I was hoping he looks somewat like me too...and what will I do with all the pink stuff :) These thoughts helped me fight that crazy pain...but only for a while...post which I had started to feel terrible..I was begging the nurse to get me a pain killer...it was getting unbearable...it was like when you are down...the cramps...1000x into that pain...my legs were fixed in that machine....which made me feel all the more restless..
I looked at my mom almost like a child..and I could see she was in pain looking at me like that...probably the only person in that room who was worried about me...everybody else was quite lost in the baby...but she was just looking at me..thats when I realized what a Mother is...nothing else matters when you see your child in pain...I wanted to cry....but since I had nothing to drink since morning...my mouth was dry...I wasn't even getting tears...I just wanted her to hold me like I was baby myself.
Later in the evening when everybody else had left..it was just me, my mom and the baby...I was finally given the pain killer...a nurse came and changed my dressing...I saw the blood in that...and shit...I promised myself I will never have a baby again in life...once is enough...all this pain....all this blood not happening again.
I do not remember when I dosed off...the last thing I remember was that I wanted to look at my baby more closely and mumma had showed him...he was sleeping peacefully..and I couldn't wait for myself to feel better...I was looking forward to the morning when I will finally be able to hold my baby close to me....suddenly I heard a cry...I thought I am dreaming about the baby cry may be..but no it was for real...the cry got louder and I woke up...my mom too jolted and suddenly went to fetch the baby...he was hungry...like really hungry I presume...I was not in a position to feed so we called for the nurse to feed him with formula...she looked at me hoping that I could try feeding...but I could barely sit...forget feeding my baby...so she took him.
The same thing continued throughout the night...and it was confusing as to what lead to the cry...is the baby hungry...wet diaper...he wants to be held...what is it??There was no set frequency but anytime he used to wake up and cry like its the end of the world...and I felt superbly helpless...I could barely move...it was my mom who was struggling to keep the baby comfortable....I could see my baby needed me...but I had no strength to help him out...we tried to make him sleep next to me in my bed...but I wasn't even able to turn towards him to try feeding him...in my heart I was crying too with him..I wasn't able to fulfill a basic need for my little one..what kind of a mother was I??
It was an unbearable long night...I was feeling guilty...for not being able to help my baby and to put my mom through so much trouble...I could see she was tired..but she was still there to be by my side when I was probably the most vulnerable in my life. I can't explain the gratitude I felt for having her there with me..I love her so much!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment