My Journey of Motherhood (Part 6) - Emotions, LIZARDS and Mommy's bday

The GoT fever was still on and everyday I was getting inspired by the characters  - my emotions were on an all time high...so wether it was feeling passionately about my favorite characters in the series or relating to characters in movies...feeling excessively obsessed with my husband or angry enough to rip him apart - everything was at its extreme....just like the phrase "winter is coming" throughout GoT...in my case it  was"the baby is coming"..but I did have a timeline :P

But it was fun...I mean I don't remember the last time I felt such strong emotions - may be during college days - or the first boyfriend/break up :P like in case of my husband - there were days I used to just look at him sleeping and I used to love the sight of him...like the pre marriage era was back and all I wanted was some time alone with him...I was also scared that once the baby comes we probably wont get enough time for each other - had no clues how will we manage to keep the spark alive in our relationship...I loved the fact that he had tried a lot to make sure he was keeping me happy in terms of making me watch all the movies...letting me shop as much...getting whatever I felt like eating...but in spite of this there were days when I was seriously pissed with him...quite like below

There happened to be an offsite and he had to attend this one..and though I did pretend I was all cool about it..I was not...I was very very pissed...you leaving me behind in my 9th month is not cool...though it was only for a day...and I really do not think I should have made a big deal out of it..but like I said..I was high on emotions..so that night I barely slept...I was angry...so to distract myself I started watching a movie...felt like going to the loo...n there it was...a LIZARD!!! the worst nightmare of a pregnant woman like me...a fucking lizard and my biggest fear was...I won;t be able to run also with this bump ...I literally controlled my pee for good 3 hours after which I was like...I just have to be brave and face the damn thing...OMG...that was one hell of a pee and I was surprised by the speed at which I came running out of the loo....but this fucking lizard helped me distract my mind and sleep..so may be they are not all that bad :)

The week after was my mum's bday and we made a plan to meet at CP...so my mausis, my sister, off course mom and me...we met at tea cafe and what a session....I've rarely had a chai session better than this one...I forgot all the tiredness I was feeling when I left home...these get togethers with moms and mausis bring out the best of stories...loads of laughter and Food!! And its amazing when you see your mum acting like any other friend of yours...throwing tantrums...cracking jokes...we should do this more often...I thought and hopefully I will...once my baby lets me :D I miss it...the carefree meetings with mom and mausis...I really miss it :(

To make sure I do not feel to bad about this...God had plans..I had gone for my pre natal class as suggested by the doctor - so post the session I was all pumped up to exercise regularly...be prepared for Labour...I was all set for a normal delivery...I had my weekly check ups...everything was looking good...so one fine day my Doc suggested...lets get a scan done to check the baby position and if the loop is out yet. I was more than happy...scans are the best part of pregnancy I guess....its a pleasure to watch the lil thing growing every time :)

So by now I had got used to the crazy pee pressure during scans - my belly was huge and it felt funny when the radiologist moved around the stick (or whatever they call the thing they move around while scanning...I prefer to call it the stick)...scan results: healthy baby...no loop...head down...all well!! 

I had already imagined a plump little thing in my mind...just the way I wanted...with bouncy cheeks..cute little eyes... again like I said..Emotions - high - Happy high :D

So we showed it to our doctor in the coming week and she took us by surprise - the baby weighed on the higher side...his head was also like on the border line of what we usually consider for a normal delivery...if it grows further - it will difficult to pull out the baby said the doc...plus obv the gaining weight was also a concern if we wanted a normal delivery...so she suggested I get admitted in the hospital the coming weekend....labour induction was to be attempted to get contractions ....if that did not work out - C-sec it was then...our BABY was arriving early!!

Though it all sounded cool when she said but on my way back home it hit me big time...the baby was arriving 3 weeks before the due date initially given...I was about to go into Labor like real time in less than a week...all that pain...which I had imagined is actually going to happen...and what if the baby gets stuck in between...I was going crazy with these thoughts.Once back home my mom and MIL had their own suggestions on how to induce labour naturally.....have ghee in milk...eat Jaiphal...have kaali daal full of ghee...I almost felt what are these people doing at home...they should be at the hospital inducing labour full time :P but I was nervous...like I don't remember the last time I felt so unsure about anything...may be marriage..:D

After a week of anticipation...anxiety,.,,trials and errors (all the methods listed above had failed in my case)...I used to get calls every 2-3 hours from my mom asking for the status - it seems hilarious when I look back now...but at that time it was weird...planning on who will stay with me in the hospital...wondering what all will help me during labour...distractions....will my husband come along or may be I should ask my sister or mausi...Oh God..it was all exciting...scary...crazy all at the same time...by now I just wanted the baby out...and finally the day came!!

My Journey of Motherhood (Part 5) - Taboos contd, A wedding and GoT

So my little brother  (cousin but may be more special than a real one) was getting married and I had this big problem - what to wear - formal enough to make it to a wedding but comfortable considering the physical discomfort that had started to creep in...heels was a complete no no...so now how can formal wedding like dressing be comfortable?? Difficult to imagine...I know.

So after googling a lot - accross anarkalis to sarees etc etc I finally decided I'm going to get a dress made - which will solve the purpose - comfort plus bling - and no heels required.This was the first time I had applied that much mind for a wedding dress - I didn't even do it for my own wedding :P

That is how it looked on me :) without making me conscious or uncomfortable in any way...I am going to remember this dress for good :D

After the happy gala times at the wedding...life again got a bit boring...nothing exactly to look forward to..thats when Game of Thrones entered my life...and I'll tell u how :)

Remember the baby shower and the endless gossip session...that was when everybody convinced me to start watching this series...which I otherwise felt is too gory for my taste but nevertheless I decided to give it a shot.I anyways had all the time in the world (which I did not value back then -  only if I knew what was coming :P ) so I took the 5 seasons from my bestie and it was on..the first episode - season 1  - and I was wondering whats so great about this bunch of "tharki" people who are just fucking people randomly like thats the only thing to do in lives...but its not exactly wise to judge things too soon and I realized that there was much more to it...and there I was...glued..addicted and even inspired by it to kill a few people in that ruthless way...who all??Well I'm sure we have some guesses by now :D

In the mean while I had my 30th week scan done and I was happy to see my baby growing well...in terms of weight it was a bit ahead of its time and I had started to imagine a chubby face in my mind already.It had a loop around its neck which the radiologist said should come out on its own and it was already in head down position so chances were good for a normal delivery...So all good...the doctor was happy...,my supplements were cut down a bit now that both the baby and me were doing well. 

Except what we call the part and parcel of pregnancy - my loo trips had suddenly spiked again...my feet had started to swell a little...my back was gone forever...it took me 5 minutes to turn from one side to the other at night....I used crave to sleep straight on my back but off course I could not...I looked at Coke like my little baby looks at food now...waiting to grab it with both hands and gulp it down without a break but I wasn't supposed to :( 

My now strong baby had started to kick in full force - esp while I was in a theatre watching movies..there were times I could feel him kick like he's dancing or something or may be fighting...I could see some bits of my tummy moving out for a jiffy and it was like OMG...I could see him moving...by now it was painful at times..but I'm going to remember this fondly...the funny stuff he did inside me :)

But we still had some age old practices to deal with...this time it was the Solar eclipse and the ages old story of how it can harm the baby - with add ons like - your baby could be deformed - with an ugly mark somewhere on his body - bla bla - I mean imagine...all of a sudden your baby will start looking ugly because a solar eclipse happened and you turned...or you went to the loo or you had something...I mean what shit?? Who makes up all this bullshit?? anyways..so I was told to lie straight on my back during the eclipse to which I said no as it would have broken my back completely...so then mutually agreed position was to sit...and not move...apply some paste on my belly..sit like that for good 40 mins or so...even though the eclipse here was not to last more than 10 minutes but pandit ji bola hai 40 mins to how can you argue?? 

On top of this - I had asked my MIL what if I have to pee badly...she was like  - control kar lena beta...control kar lena...does she remember how difficult it is control this  urge during pregnancy....and thankfully it was only 40 mins...had it been a 3-4 hour long affair me and my baby would have starved to death and my bed would have been full of pee all because of this fear we have in our minds - that an eclipse will harm the baby so you just stay still....that too when you are pretty much indoors...I seriously do not understand how?

That entire stretch of 40 minutes I had my own version of GoT playing in my mind and it was a pleasure to imagine all the killing!! I guess I know where my baby gets his violent streak from ;) But well I had to keep my cool so... ;)

My Journey of Motherhood (Part 4) - B'day, Taboos & my Baby Shower

It was finally my birthday month - even now I tend to get excited about my birthday - this one being my last before I turn into a Full on Mom - had to be special. After ruling out the usual options I decided to go and meet my school kids  - that was my birthday gift to myself as I had missed that place terribly and I often thought about going there but somehow it never worked out before. So I was in the school...the moment I entered my class I was welcomed by the warmest smile ever by my girls - it was pure magic :) It is so rightly said that kids have this positive energy so with so many lovely little girls around you are bound to feel that energy too...my day was already special thanks to the warmth and love I got from these little angels. 

On our way back home, we (Me and my husband) stopped at one of our favorite places to have a cup of tea and snacks and I was loving it. At times you don't need an elaborate formal lunch or a grand party to feel special...these little things can make you feel far more special and connected with yourself and your partner. These memories are purely for your soul to cherish through the times to come!

The day ahead was filled with lots of calls from my loved ones but one particular call had me furious. ..it was my grandma and she has had this insane obsession of having a boy in the family ever since I can remember. The reason I got furious was that even after three decades of me and my sisters trying to reason out and prove it to her that there is no need to have a boy in the family when we girls can take care of you better than a boy would ever do...she still held the same belief and now her hopes were pinned on me. I felt bad that none of our efforts had changed her mindset and helpless because I didn't know what will?

To add to this, the same evening I got hear from my mother in law that I should keep my baby bump covered as keeping it uncovered ( like without a dupatta)  shows disrespect to my father in law and I was like Whaaaaattttttttt? I mean what kind of logic is that supposed to be....you want me to have kids but a natural thing like a growing belly in pregnancy is supposed to be disrespectful??? Like really?? I was like what's wrong with these ladies...why can't they just talk sense?? Ironically we find women stuck on such ideologies more than men which is extremely frustrating...and there was more to follow in the coming months.

It was my baby shower in the following week which made sure I did not dwell on this rubbish for long...I had yet to make some preps...order the cake...call up my friends to finalize the time...and most importantly my BFF from Mumbai was coming around the same time so I was about to have craziness overloaded :D after a loooong loong time and I just couldn't wait.

Honestly, earlier I thought this baby shower concept is highly overrated - but by now I had realized that you need all of this and may be more to keep that "Happy" state of mind if nothing else...it is actually a task  - atleast in my case cos my hormones were acting crazy  - but my friends, my husband and my sisters made sure I have the time of my life - it was one hell of  night where we all got together - shared all the funny memories, crazy gossip and clicked loads of pictures to cherish. I had these fancy crowns - like 2 of them on my head along with that sash which said "Mommy to be" and I was doing every typical thing I otherwise would have made fun of :P but it was beautiful...everyone came to make sure I am happy and I will always remember that....and after that my time with my cute little bestie was just the doze of madness I needed or I guess we both needed :) 

The next day we went to Chandni chowk to satisfy our food cravings - Natraj ki tikki - Parathe wali gali ke parathe  followed by Kolkata style Puchka and apna local Burger point ka burger...we were all over the place...and full points to my darling husband to make sure we went to all these places and had all this yummm stuff...and I have to say that the food was so much tastier cos I was eating with her...even while writing about it now..I have this big smile on my face and I'm a little moist eyed...I am always going to remember this gesture...it meant so much to me at that point! And to add to this - being complete movie buffs we ended up watching three movies in 2 days - we were joined by our third "devi" the next day and it was just like our good old times in Mumbai - talking - eating and never ending laughter - and offcourse the weirdest selfie session I've had till date!

Love you girls...for making me smile and giving me these crazy memories to look back!!

My Journey of Motherhood (Part 3) - Friends & Family coming to rescue!

It had been good 4 months...one whole month at home and my mind had turned into a churning factory of useless thoughts...I missed my carefree life...the intimacy I shared with my husband and our freedom to travel the most! We used to go out on weekends...watch movies...go shopping together but there was something different in our relationship...thats when I was coming to understand how important physical intimacy is in a relationship...you need that warmth...you need to feel desired.There were days I just felt like crying when I woke up - the whole day ahead of me seemed liked a giant which will crush me...I was lonely...I desperately wanted someone to just be there and listen to all that was going inside my mind and I just wanted to cry my heart out but not alone...

After endless pondering and  depressing chain of thoughts... something inside me said ENOUGH!!...I better take charge of the situation else I will lose myself completely...and thats precisely the day I felt my baby kick the first time too...it was like a sign that even he agreed to this...it made me feel alive and that was it...To begin with I decided to go out atleast once a week on my own  - either to meet a friend or if there;s no company go by myself but I had to be out to breathe....staying in all the time was suffocating me.

The good news was I had my little sister visiting me around the same time and a long time friend...so that gave me something to look forward to...it motivated me to take care of myself to make sure I'm all healthy and fit to stick to my plans and I had to look good...I still remember the day 3 of us ( me and 2 of my sisters) met at one of our adda's  - a beautiful cafe - the day was crazy..we were together for good 5 hours at the same place...talking non stop...laughing like maniacs and just ordering things...after a long long time I was feeling like my old self again...happy...just plain happy!!

The following week I met my friend...after a good long time and the thing with meeting old friends is that every time you touch back on old times - you are transported to that era...it's so refreshing.. you just want the time to stop so that you can relive those moments yet again...a little longer :) 

So while Friends/sisters, Coffee and Outings were working their magic on me...and just when I thought I was finally gaining control on my emotions...there was a situation back home.

My mum met with an accident..nothing major thankfully but she had fractured her rib and was not in a condition to get up. So I packed my bags and rushed to her place...worried...anxious....wondering how will I be able to help her??I had to take care of the household work ....which meant I had to wake up early...inspite of the sleepless nights...but to my surprise it actually made me feel so good...I just felt so light...just like old times...I guess it wasall the time I got to spend with my mum and it was the first time I got to spend 10 days with her after I got married...it made me feel like the girl I was before marriage happened...except for my swelled belly which acted like a reminder that  - Hey Girl!! this is just temporary :( ..I wish I could have just stayed there.

In the middle of all this I got another great news that one my childhood friend's was also expecting and was due around the same time as me...I mean isn't that so coool and exciting....she was in town and we finally met...and imagine 2 chuddy buddys meeting as preggos...how much they'll have to talk...we were sharing every bloody detail of how things were progressing with our babies...and it continues even now :) She delivered her baby 5 days before me...and I am just waiting to watch both these boys together...they almost look similar too :D

By the end of the second trimester I was finally much more calm and in control of myself...and I totally owe it to my friends and family who showered all their love and affection on me and most importantly they gave me their time...to my baby who reassured me he's with me with his constant kicks...it was indeed a beautiful feeling...I remember waiting for his kicks post my meals and before I slept at night...it made me forget all my fears and "Happy and confident" me was back!!

My Journey of Motherhood (Part 2) - Sinking In!!

I went for my 12th week scan...my tummy full of water and I felt I will burst if my scan is delayed for even 10 more seconds.The Radiologist called me in and by now my tummy had started to feel a bit hard - like some kind of layer is forming on the inside...it had started to protrude a bit so again I felt a wee bit conscious when i was told to pull my shirt up - but one minute into it and I was lost looking at the screen - there it was - a tiny little thing with the cutest hands and legs moving around or rather floating around ;) It was a sight to watch - both me and my husband were spellbound.It was like magic and to realize its all happening inside me - woooh - it still gives me goosebumps! That by far is one of my favorite moments in my life.

So - coming out of the dreamy world - about my life at that point of time  - I was at home full time - taking rest, reading all about the baby and pregnancy, I had all the apps possible on my phone and my brain was flooded with all the information available - I remember initially there were days when I would just go on reading this stuff and it was noon already - its that addictive - the curiosity kills you at times - I almost felt like i need a camera fitted right inside me so that i can view and compare the growth of my baby with all this information I am reading about...and that never ending urge to pee...Damn i felt like putting my bed in the bathroom itself...would be so very convenient.

I was eating by far the healthiest diet of my life - was trying to stick to my walks and exercise - I don't think I had ever been that particular about my health ever before - I just wanted this time to be as smooth as possible...with minimal weight gain and also a part of me just wanted to get done with this once for all so "just play safe" is what I heard every time I thought diverting from this routine.

It was also the time when my family thought we can pass on the news to some close relatives which lead to a lot of unwanted advice from them - what to eat - what not to eat - why I should not be going out much - why I need to eat double the food - why I should think positive - even read some spiritual stuff - I mean the list was endless. It made me feel like I have been demoted back to that "Board era" where the moment you enter standard 10 - everybody just starts giving you all the gyaan in life and you know there is no escaping it till you get done with the shitty exams - in my case - it was my delivery...n lets not forget the stress on "Normal"delivery.

In the midst of all the excitement which had built up around me  - there was a part of me which was not exactly happy - I was scared - all these changes - all of the advice - talks about how life changes after a kid had me thinking and a fear had started to creep in - I feared the change that had already made me feel restricted - physically and mentally too - I felt I was loosing my grip on my life - my freedom was slipping away from my hands - I wasn't allowed to go out much - reasons given - its not safe, don't exhaust yourself  etc...I couldn't eat what I wanted to most times (it wasn't healthy cos)...I could not wear the kind of clothes I wanted to (I was barely fitting in them :( )..all of this and much more.

I had pictured myself enjoying this break - reading all the time - sleeping as much as I like - catching up on all my favourite movies - I was taking a break after 7.5 years of work and little did I know that it will turn out to be one of the most difficult times of my life. After just 1 week of being at home..I had started to feel worthless - like I have no purpose in life - especially when I saw everyone else in the family going to work in the morning - I had my reasons to stay back but that somehow that didn't feel suffice.I missed my routine, my work and my salary too at times :) Reading became a task to keep myself occupied - I realized that you cherish your hobbies more when you do not get much time for them - they lose their charm when you have the whole day to pursue them.

With every passing day...it was becoming difficult for me to kill time...I had started to feel negativity in my thoughts and to add to the misery were some incidents I heard about where husbands were cheating on their preggo wives...I mean thats the last thing you need to hear when you anyways are feeling excessively conscious about the way your belly has started to swell...there is no sign of pregnancy glow people talk about and the sleepless nights are adding on to your dark circles!!

A serious advice every husband needs while his wife is pregnant is - compliment her as often as you can possibly think of...she needs it badly...more than ever now...she needs to see that you still admire her. It is an essential part of taking care of her...not just food and comfort but also she needs to be at peace in her mind and you can help her achieve that....just make her feel loved like never before.

My Journey of Motherhood (Part 1) - The BIG News

10 Sep'2015 - "Congratulations!! You are pregnant." I didn't know how to react when I heard this.I had done the pregnancy test at home..not once but twice...and it came negative then how come this news?? I smiled :) ....but inside I had a storm hitting me so hard - do I want this baby?? Am I really ready for this? Will I be able to continue my job? A thousand questions were running inside my head but there was this tiny viny bit of excitement too. Having a kid was on my agenda and I was hoping to have one by next year...the news came a bit too soon but I knew my family would be elated nevertheless.

We were traveling to Udaipur the very next day and man it turend out to be the weirdest holiday ever for me...I probably turned into a super obsessed with my baby's health kinda woman overnight...which meant I was excessively careful about the food I had....the places we went to....i didn't want to exhaust myself too much...somewhere in my mind I had this voice constantly reminding me that Hey!! you better take care...n which meant a screwed up the holiday for me and my husband and it was just the beginning of a looongggg patient journey till I meet my baby and life (so i thought then) will come back to normal :D

2 weeks later - I went for my first ultrasound to check the baby's heartbeat (where the doctor kept on referring to my baby as "The Fetus" which sounded like some disease I had and I seriously wished to tell her...can we just call it the baby which is less scary) and my God it was scary...I mean it is seriously weird to actually realize that there is a living being right inside you and you practically have 2 hearts beating inside your body...it can be quite freaky...but at the same time reassuring that things are well...the baby is healthy..growing just fine and yes this is happening for real. I missed my husband being by my side then - and thats when I decided he has to be with me every time I am going for these check ups.

By about 8 weeks of pregnancy - Life had changed considerably...all my travel plans for the year were shelved...I could barely eat anything as the food tasted horrible and I had no clue why...I had religiously followed the doctor's advice to not eat junk food and no coke...and my God I never knew I'l miss having coke/pepsi that much ever in my life!!

Coming to the serious part - the tough decisions - I had to take a call to discontinue my fellowship - my dream job... waited 5 years to do this but given my health condition it wasn't advisable to strain myself through it and that was the first time I actually somewhere deep inside my heart - regretted this decision - but it was happening and it made sense to go ahead with it considering I was anyways on a break from my real job (corporate - well paying job) and probably it was the right time so have a baby given my age (30+...rings a bell for most ladies)

After some conflict in my mind...I went ahead and discussed it with my school team and eventually announced it to the my kids in school that I'll be leaving..it was tough....like the toughest resignation ever for me...it felt like as if my life was slipping away from my hands and I don't know when will I be able to regain control again.I think pregnancy makes you very vulnerable at times..the hormones...they do some big time mess in your mind and your emotions are out of control..everything you experience is like magnified to a whole new extent which makes it all the more challenging to cope with these changes.

By the end of First trimester...I was jobless...starting to get conscious about my body...clueless about my future and doubtful about my marriage...