My Journey of Motherhood - Baby - Week 2 - Stress taking over

The dreadful week had started...my husband had joined office and I was to deal with the baby..we had a routine like this - baby used to wake up, it was time for his bath.My MIL came up to help me with it...I tried to take off his clothes and at that very moment he used to start crying....I was like shit...what did I do? My MIL used to take him in her arms and moved around a bit..she had this phrase which seemed to work when it came to pacifying the baby "Ram Ram Sita Ram"!! I have no clues how could a 1 week old baby connect to this or may it was her voice that he connected to but he used to just stop crying instantly hearing this.

Once he was quite, she took off his clothes and cleaned him...baby was quite all through and I could just wonder how on earth will anyone believe this is my baby who starts crying the moment I touch him :(

Once all was done, I used to try to feed him..for first 10 mins things used to be peaceful but after that the usual irritation and crying used to start again and that got me tensed.I had started to take the supplement but my milk flow was still not enough...by the time I could take control of the situation my family members used to come upstairs and take over the baby....asked me to make his formula and start to feed him. The baby had milk and dosed off like nothing had happened. They used to take him along so that I could get some rest but this whole scene had me nervous.

As a mother you feel so helpless when you can't even feed your baby properly and somebody else has to come and rescue the situation.I almost had started to fear that he will never recognize me as his mother since I just end up making him cry and he eventually ends up being fed by others. I had started to feel insecure...I was not able to comfort my baby...I found him happier when he was with others - like his Dad , Grandma, Uncle and Aunt. They all carried him easily...played with him and I used to just end up staring at them wondering...why can't I be so chill about being with him??

I figured out 2 reasons for it eventually:

1. LACK OF SLEEP: I was absolutely sleep deprived - staying up with him at night meant I had hardly any energy left for daytime and it made me feel tired the whole day- a big reason why I used to just sit blankly a lot of times.

2. FEEDING STRESS: The constant pressure that I am not able to feed him myself - this had taken a toll on me.I was constantly worried about how will things get better - every time it was feeding time I used to be super stressed and I think that worsened the situation for me.

I had a good support system with me but in spite of that I was not exactly enjoying motherhood.The change was too overwhelming for me and I found myself not prepared enough to handle things...even though I had read a lot about post delivery changes, how to take care of your baby in the early days, bla bla...nothing was working for me at that time...the reason for that was that I was ignoring myself.

The biggest lesson I learned through all of this was that as a mother never succumb to what people expect from you - you know how you are and what keeps you happy - do not let these situations stress you out. There is always a way to work things out - like in my case since I wasn't able to feed him, I took too much stress as everybody told me that I should be feeding him - but when things are beyond your control - you should go for what's the next best option. Had I been chill about it then, I could have bonded with my baby much earlier and those initial days would have been a part of fond memories but now I think of them as probably the most depressing phase of my life - I was tensed all the time which lead to irritation and eventually depression.

Taking care of yourself is a part of taking care of your kids - I follow this as rule now but it took me more than a month to understand this :)

My Journey of Motherhood - Baby - Week 1 - Visit to the Pediatrician

So we were nearing the end of the week. We had our first appointment with the pediatrician and I was really happy with the doctor - he seemed like a very chilled out, friendly and no air kind of a doctor! I like such people and so does my baby I think...he smiles at him every time they meet :)

The first thing they do is check the baby's weight and it was quite reassuring to see that my baby weighed a bit higher than when we took him home...I would have been heart broken if his weight would have come down (Proof you are a mother now - obsessed about baby's weight already!!)

Also,when you visit your Pediatrician for the first time with the baby you are full of questions - Why does the baby cry so much? How do we know why is crying - What does he need? How much should we feed him? How much should he sleep? Is he sleeping too much or too less? The list just goes on and on....so you need a really patient doctor to hear all of this and we were lucky to have one :)

He told us 4 basic reasons why babies cry at this early a stage:

1.They are hungry 2. They need a diaper change  3.They need to sleep  4.They need to be held (Godi - as we call it)

We felt better, now we just had to figure which out the four options is the correct answer - real life KBC!!

Then he gave us a list of emergency meds we would need to keep handy for the baby for Nose blockage, Fever and Colic. He also had to go through a small blood test - "Babyshield 5" - which is basically done to detect any hidden genetic or metabolism related disorders the baby has and its recommended to get this test done as if there is any issue - early treatment can be a life saver. It was painful to hear my baby cry when they took his blood - the doctor had actually asked me to stay out as he was like being a new mom you won't be able to see that yet and I guess he was right...I just wanted to take my baby away from them.It's so disturbing to see your baby in pain..I hugged him so tight once he was out.

A beautiful quote sums it up - "The moment a child is born, a mother is born also" and this is sooo true because before this I had never felt these emotions for anyone - how much ever I had loved my family and friends but this kind of a strong feeling had never hit me. Though I was not really in that all rosy mommy phase - I was still struggling to accept the way my life had turned around - but now when I look back, these subtle changes had started to happen within me...the mother in me was taking over!

Back home my aunty and sister had come over to meet us. They all had been vital to my happiness in life and especially in last one year...so you feel healed already in the presence of such people...though I was not allowed to laugh out aloud as I like but there was this cheerful energy about my room at that time and I badly needed that. The best part of the evening was my baby's mind blowing expressions when my aunt picked him up...it almost felt like as if he is trying to say "Are you sure about what you're doing?? Can I trust you?" I still laugh when I see these pics...going to get these framed for sure!!

The week was about to end - I had my check up the following day and I was worried as to how much will it pain when my doctor removes the dressing over my stitches.Thankfully it did not pain at all :) That's such a happy feeling when you are expecting pain :P I had my issues to discuss with her...first and foremost was obviously my feeding problem - not getting enough milk - she recommended some supplement and my hopes were high again - that this is going to be it...now I will be able to feed my son.Rest all was standard iron and calcium supplements and pain killers if needed. I had intentionally stopped taking pain killers as I did not want to get used to them.I finally got permission to use soap as well - I could finally wash my stinky sticky hair after good 1 whole week - and I felt so good after washing my hair I couldn't resist taking a selfie!!

I was already dreading Monday - no office for me but my husband had to join back which meant it will only be me, baby and my MIL.Not exactly a very comfortable scenario for me. I almost broke down but my husband comforted me  - he gave me the confidence that I will be able to manage everything just fine - but I was scared. It felt like an exam for which you have no idea about the syllabus - everything is going to be hit and trial and off course the fear of being judged was taking over again!

My Journey of Motherhood - Baby - Week 1 - Understanding baby patterns

By the 2nd night with the baby, we had understood 2 things :

1.Feed the baby as soon as he starts to make the faintest sound of waking up

2.Change his diaper every 2 hours..else you'll end up waking again as he will be uncomfortable with the wet one (yes...in the initial one month Diapers seemed as good as nappies...slightly wet and he will start crying)

And he had started to make a seriously funny faces when we fed him..like as a rule you need to make the baby burp after you feed him...and the moment we used to hold him to make him lean on our shoulders...he used to start swaying like he's high on milk :D  Looking something like this kiddo below :O

We also understood that he had a sleep cycle of 3 hours after every feeding...day or night...didn't matter.So we were better prepared now...I was getting great support from my husband who was on his paternity leave for a week. He helped me hold the baby as I could not bend much...since we were feeding him with a bottle at night anyways, he also helped me with the feeding sessions. We took turns...since I am more adept at staying up at night...I took over the late night part and he used to take it on from morning 5 onwards. I thought this can be managed...not that bad!

Another big task for me was to get comfortable with cleaning his poop...and I was not too cool with the idea (unlike the assumption most people have that mothers can do anything for their babies...it takes effort and you will make a face doing it too initially)...like he was my baby yes but cleaning poop is not exactly what I looked forward to.So once my mom had left..my husband and sister in law helped me get over this...I was quite touched by this gesture especially coming from my SIL...I mean I dunno how cool would I have been doing it for her baby...I probably wouldn't have initiated it too...but she did and that was something I will remember fondly..the poop story :P Looking at them I felt..may be its not that bad...and thats how I started doing it myself eventually.

During the day time, my mother in law used to look after the baby for some time...he anyways used to just sleep...so it was like - Sleep, Feed, poop/pee, feed, sleep cycle that continued.She helped me with giving bath to the baby as well...we were still on sponge baths for this week.It was quite amusing to see how he reacted to the whole bathing scene.Either he used to get too worked up and start crying or he used to just stare at us like we are aliens from the other planet!!

He had another peculiar habit...while sleeping he used to keep both his hands up..even when you tried to turn him...the hands stayed up :D I loved to watch him sleep like that...I still do..though now we have to keep a pillow over his hands as he moves them way too much...there is that constant fear in our mind that he'll wake up!! Its surprising to see how a tiny little baby can scare the hell out of you...you are living in constant fear..you do not want to do anything that makes the baby cry or wake him up...even breathing loudly seems dangerous :D 

I read this beautiful quote around then which really helped me -"Being a Mother is discovering strengths you didn't know you had and dealing with fears you never knew existed"

And you might think I'm obsessed with pink..well...I like pink for sure and I was hoping for a daughter so may be I did go a bit overboard and bought a lot of pink..yeah I just may be did that!! But it looks cute..isn't it?? I know he's gonna kill me looking at these pictures once he grows up :( I'll have to hide these somewhere ;) but wait these are too many to hide..I mean I'll have to show him how he looked when he was a week old...Like I would have loved to see myself that young but back then pictures were rare...occasional...you had to go to a studio to get one clicked...like my mum has a record of all my pics with dates on them which was more like a quarterly affair...like a milestone achieved..may baby is 3 months,..then 6 months...etc etc...so I guess we'll have to make him a bit open about colors...cos there's a lot of pink in most of his early pics and it suits him...see matching with his cheeks :P

My Journey of Motherhood - Week 1 - The First bath, Feeding troubles and Rituals

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday was the crazy sweating that happens...I was sweating like a pig the whole night...I woke up with a wet t- shirt the next morning...it was like all the water I had during pregnancy was finally coming out...and thats literally what happens so its a good thing..unless you get fever which might be due to some infection...and in my dreams I just wanted to grab my husband...all these months of waiting and finally a chance to get back to normal life..I was waiting for my alone time with him..but there was still time!

So now, back to where I left, the day finally started with us trying to get a hold of our sleep deprived selves...we had to give a sponge bath to the baby...that was again a scary thing to do...as beginners we played safe..we used the wet wipes to clean him...making sure his umbilical cord is untouched..it looks kinda creepy that thing..hanging from their navel!! He literally jumped when he was first touched with that wipe..then he was like Okk...its just a wipe...no cold water..Cool!! :D By the time we managed to dress him up...he was already crying his lungs out for milk.

Milk meant I had to try feeding him again...I almost cringed at that thought...it reminded me of the hospital episode and now it was like testing time again...I wasn't really sure how will this session go but nevertheless I had to try. After a while of trying to get some milk, my baby was getting wild...I wasn't able to produce enough to satisfy his hunger and it felt seriously bad...like something was lacking in me..the way he was crying..I just fed him with formula milk to make him quite and he slept off...but I was wide awake..worried how will we cope up with this??

A lot of advice came in..eat jeera, garlic, take bath with hot water, drink lots of milk , eat methi etc etc...and I was mentally making a note of all...I was desperate to make things work...I did not want to be labelled as a mother who couldn't meet a basic requirement for her baby. I was taking all this way too seriously and it was stressing me out...which I realized later.

I took my mom's help to take a bath...after I dunno how many years..it felt weird but the hospital stay had prepared me for the worst so this was still bearable..it was my mum after all :) I was able to eat a bit...felt better than the day before when I was dying with gastric pain...the baby happily slept during the day for most hours...and so did I...took my medicines and slept for a while. 

On waking up..I thought of trying to feed him again...but same thing repeated..and I was like shit...then I tried the breast pump and it just lead to my worst fears coming true...I could barely pump in 20ml of milk after trying for half n hour...so obviously the baby will be hungry...I had never anticipated this problem...I thought feeding is like the most natural thing to happen ...you have a baby and you get milk to feed him...nobody told me about this issue...am I the only one facing this?? As per all the ladies around me...it did not happen to them..and then they just blamed it on having a "c-sec" and my age..stressing again on how important it is to have kids on time (which means before 30). 

This was the last thing I needed to hear...I was almost in tears...Yes!! it affects you that bad after delivery...hormones are still messing up with your brains and you feel everything to the extreme...super sensitive or super aggressive...there's no mid-way.

By evening a pandit ji was called to decide on the baby name letter - based on some astrological funda - I was up in my room and I really didn't even feel like being a part of it...luckily I had not decided on any name previously so I was open to options but I somehow do not really approve of this ..I think we should just let go of these practices...lets not label our babies right at birth  - saying he's lucky/unlucky for his parents, get this pooja done, do this daan...its like you are beginning a life with fear...I badly wanted to say the same to the elders of the family but they seem so stuck with it that you feel there's no point arguing with them.

Hopefully our generation won't indulge in these practices and will make rational decisions instead!

Baby comes Home - Good bye Sleep!!

It was time to head back home finally. I was happy to get back in my clothes.The very thought of getting to feel some real air and light was in itself so relieving after the last 3 days where I was just stuck inside one room. I was supposed to carry the baby in my arms till the gate and in my mind I had a cloud of doubt “I can barely stand straight, how do they expect me to carry this baby and walk out??” – but like every problem has a solution and for me it came in the form of a wheelchair...I sat in it with my little munchkin in my arms all set to go HOME.

Everything seemed different when I entered...like a new homecoming...probably as new as when I had come home the first time after my wedding.I was managing to walk a little - thank God for these Postpartum belts...they are our savior.They gave such amazing support to my stitches and back that it didn't feel all that bad.

The next big task at hand was to go to my room, for which I had to climb the stairs.Before we had left the hospital major plans were being made as to how will I be taken to my room.Ideas like - put me in a chair and then lift that chair up and lifting me in my husband arms ( I would have loved this one but I knew I was too heavy to be carried all the way up :P).

Much before my delivery, my mother in law had suggested that I share her room for a month post the baby's birth so that she can help me with taking care of the baby and in this case my hubby won't have to be disturbed especially at night.I was so not cool with this idea - first of all - I appreciate my MIL's concern but staying with her in the same room for 1 whole month is kinda nightmare for me...I mean we are very different people and I just knew it she'll be on with her advice all the time and that was just what I wanted to avoid.Second, why should my hubby not be involved if the baby is not sleeping at night...its our baby not just mine so we we have to share the load (So did I thought - dream world scenario).

So after much contemplation and convincing she agreed that I should stick to my room and we'll manage the whole thing that way only.The baby was fast asleep all through this - in the first few days he slept like he would never get to sleep again during the day and at night it was playtime.Everybody who had not spent the night with him yet was under the impression that he is like an angel and what trouble can this little angel bring but they were in for a surprise in just about a few days :)

We had a small celebration in the evening - a yumm cake was cut which I could barely taste (you're supposed to be on semi-solids for a while after c-sec till your digestive system gives a go ahead to attack real food), mum and I were already exhausted and were just waiting to sleep.I tried eating half a chapati with dal but could barely finish that. First time in my life I had gas problem - stomach ache due to gas and man its terrible.To add to that was my back ache and off course the stitches. I was taking a pain killer but once the effect was off...the pain returned with a bang...especially when I felt like I need to turn (and I thought this problem will go away with pregnancy).

First cry...as earlier...started with a squeaky sound and then started to grow loud...but this time we had no nurse to rescue us..we had to manage on our own. My mum was holding the baby in her arms and I was trying to make his milk. Due to the stitches I wasn't exactly quick and in the initial days we did not have the sense to keep warm water handy so that the whole process can be faster.So I made his milk and put it in the warmer..but this baby was damn hungry and he was wailing by now...his face all red and my eyes all big with the intensity of this whole scene.

I think I was more scared of the fact that his wail would wake up everyone in the house and what will they think that I can't even manage this..trust me this thought keeps coming back to you especially if you are staying with your in laws..that you are being judged.The whole waking up scene at night kept repeating every 1-2 hours and both me and my mum looked like zombies by now.Around 6 in the morning my husband came to our room and I just told him to take over the duty so that we could sleep for a while at least. I opened my eyes after a while and I saw 4 of us lying flat on our bed...me...my mom...my hubby and the little monster baby (that's how perception changes after spending a night at home with your baby) and he was the only one with a faint smile of satisfaction..rest of us looked demented to say the least!

Being Mommy - L.I.V.E in Action - It's time to Feed

The sun's rays lit up our room...I could barely sleep through the night but I felt much better in terms of the physical discomfort I had the day before...the pain had subsided...I could move a bit and my legs were free now that machine was off me.But I was thirsty...my throat was dry like a desert...without a drop of water since yesterday. I never knew I could miss having water as much as I did then...I was craving for a drop of water...the on duty doctor came and suggested I can be given a spoon of water to begin with....if i do not feel any pain or discomfort post that they'll give me a glass of juice after some gap...I could have drooled looking at that spoon of water if I had enough saliva in my mouth...it was that tempting!!

Once I got a hold of myself....I got my baby in my hands finally...Aww that little thing...so delicate...I was almost scared to touch it fearing it'll disturb his sleep...and then suddenly he made this weird funny sound...something like ...uugggghhhh...and I just had to control my laughter...it would have hurt my stitches...and I was surprised to hear this...like a tiny little baby making that sound...that too while sleeping...indeed is funny...the nurse around said babies do that...and I was aaaahhhh...I had no clues about it...then he started moving his hands and he started to let out a the cutest cry...and in less than 5 seconds that turned into a wail...and I was like that was quick!!

So now I had to try and feed him...I had read about it...watched videos on how to go about it but nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen...I tried feeding him but he wasn't able to suck properly...I asked the nurse for help and then....I had three people around me...2 holding the baby and one telling me on how to go about it...followed by some tips coming from my mom...I was in complete distress...it was almost like a public affair...and to top it all I wasn't getting the feed. This probably is closest what our expression was at that time - looking at each other :D

Once people realized that...it was like a series of torture that was about to be inflicted on me...right from endless advice to the scary warnings...that if your baby does not get your feed it will be really bad for him...mother's feed is superbly important...you have to do something about it...and it went on and on and on....so I tried everything...using nipple shields...to breast pump...but nothing worked...at least not that day and I was super tensed...what will I do now? Will my baby be ok?? What if I do not get any feed for him?? Will he survive?

That chain of thoughts continued for a good number of days even after I got my discharge...as the problem persisted.

For mother's like me we have Formula milk -  a blessing indeed. So we fed him with it till we had a solution to my problem. By then we had lots of visitors coming to see us..majorly him...I looked like some ghost right out of a horror movie...my hair was all over the place...face looked like a jaundice patient with big dark circles around my eyes.I had read it somewhere that while you prepare your hospital bag for delivery...keep things like a Lip gloss, dry shampoo and a BB cream handy so that you look good for the visitors...but trust me at that time...you give a shit to what people think about your looks...infact you don't want people to come in...you just need your rest and anything that keeps you distracted from the pain/discomfort..make up is absolutely not required...you wont have the energy only to think about it!

I finally got my breakfast and juice and that was the yummiest meal I had in a looong time...thats what fasting for a whole day makes you feel like...I had never loved bournvita milk as much as I did today...yummmmm....it was luxury :D 

Then it was time to pee....and ohhh..I needed 2 people to hold me and make me stand up...then I needed 1 person to help me pee...tie back my lowers...that was one moment where I felt absolutely disgusted at this whole process...why does it have to be this bad?? By now I had trashed the concept of privacy...I couldn't afford to stick to it given my condition...and also funnily the nurses were almost congratulating me once I was done...like some milestone achieved..."She peeed" ...like a full on announcement!! Similar thing happened when I pooped and I was like wowww....it has never been that important...LOL!!

The next day we were all set for discharge...I got my dose of advice for the baby and me from the pediatrician, Nutritionist and the Lactation consultant ...I had to meet my doctor and the pediatrician again in a week's time. I was happy to go home...these past 3 days had been quite different than what I had expected...and none of the baby sites or apps prepared me for this...which is why I have intentionally mentioned everything that you do not expect otherwise...had to...I almost felt its my duty to do to do it.

Being Mommy - L.I.V.E in action

I heard the baby cry...It is out...it is finally out...haaaaa...it was such a relief to hear that cry...I was feeling a bit dizzy again when I heard the pediatrician say "Here's your baby"...n OMG...that cute little thing is my baby...the cheeks..awwww...then he said - "It's a Boy"...in my mind I was like - "Ohhhh...a boy!! I was hoping for a girl...never mind...its soooo cuteeee" - I touched his cheeks to feel it for real..my baby!!!

I could hear someone talking but I could hardly register what were they saying...I opened my eyes again and I was in some recovery room...and I had started to feel some pain..but I was drowsy and I just wanted to know when can I see my baby?? I asked the nurse and she said it will take some time for me to be shifted back in my room...I sighed..and dosed off again...I dunno how much time later but there was this sharp pain I had started to feel...it was disturbing...I was still a bit drowsy...but this pain was not letting my sleep...I asked the nurse if I could get a pain killer...she said they need to give some gap so not now..n I was like shit...I hope it doesn't get worse...but It did...it was intensifying every minute...

They finally started to move me to the other bed which was to be taken to my room...they lifted me up and it was weird to be held like you're some dead meat...I could hardly feel anything in my legs...but I heard the nurse say that the bed sheet had a lot of blood...and I was like...wattttt..Am I bleeding that bad?? Did they forget to stitch me up?? :O 

As I was moved out of the OT area I saw him...my husband..waiting for me...I felt so good to see him after all this...he was walking with us towards the room...he held my hand and I was just glad to have him around...a warm touch was badly needed!!

Finally in my the room...I had my whole family waiting...I was surprised to see that...is that even allowed I thought?? and my baby was there too...my Hubby showed me the baby...but by then my pain had started to hit really bad so I could just look at it...he was sleeping like an angel...but I didn't have the strength to hold him..I so badly wanted to...my cute lil baby..I was trying to register who does he look like...me or my husband...I was hoping he looks somewat like me too...and what will I do with all the pink stuff :) These thoughts helped me fight that crazy pain...but only for a while...post which I had started to feel terrible..I was begging the nurse to get me a pain killer...it was getting unbearable...it was like when you are down...the cramps...1000x into that pain...my legs were fixed in that machine....which made me feel all the more restless..

I looked at my mom almost like a child..and I could see she was in pain looking at me like that...probably the only person in that room who was worried about me...everybody else was quite lost in the baby...but she was just looking at me..thats when I realized what a Mother is...nothing else matters when you see your child in pain...I wanted to cry....but since I had nothing to drink since morning...my mouth was dry...I wasn't even getting tears...I just wanted her to hold me like I was baby myself.

Later in the evening when everybody else had left..it was just me, my mom and the baby...I was finally given the pain killer...a nurse came and changed my dressing...I saw the blood in that...and shit...I promised myself I will never have a baby again in life...once is enough...all this pain....all this blood not happening again.

I do not remember when I dosed off...the last thing I remember was that I wanted to look at my baby more closely and mumma had showed him...he was sleeping peacefully..and I couldn't wait for myself to feel better...I was looking forward to the morning when I will finally be able to hold my baby close to me....suddenly I heard a cry...I thought I am dreaming about the baby cry may be..but no it was for real...the cry got louder and I woke up...my mom too jolted and suddenly went to fetch the baby...he was hungry...like really hungry I presume...I was not in a position to feed so we called for the nurse to feed him with formula...she looked at me hoping that I could try feeding...but I could barely sit...forget feeding my baby...so she took him.

The same thing continued throughout the night...and it was confusing as to what lead to the cry...is the baby hungry...wet diaper...he wants to be held...what is it??There was no set frequency but anytime he used to wake up and cry like its the end of the world...and I felt superbly helpless...I could barely move...it was my mom who was struggling to keep the baby comfortable....I could see my baby needed me...but I had no strength to help him out...we tried to make him sleep next to me in my bed...but I wasn't even able to turn towards him to try feeding him...in my heart I was crying too with him..I wasn't able to fulfill a basic need for my little one..what kind of a mother was I?? 

It was an unbearable long night...I was feeling guilty...for not being able to help my baby and to put my mom through so much trouble...I could see she was tired..but she was still there to be by my side when I was probably the most vulnerable in my life. I can't explain the gratitude I felt for having her there with me..I love her so much!!!

My Journey of Motherhood (Part 7) - The BIG Day and the Gory Hospital Stay!!

It was the day I was to be admitted to the hospital…My mom had come over to our place….jokes were being cracked about how none of their “nuskhas” had worked on me…secretly I was glad it did not…I was to see the doctor in the afternoon for my check up.

Little did I know it will be a trailer to the series of events about to follow….I went to the doc…she asked me to remove my lowers so that she could check me internally…my eyes had suddenly popped out…internal checkup…I had heard about it but so far I had been lucky enough to escape any such scenarios but I guess it was time now. I tried to breathe and let her do what was needed….but Ouuuucccccchhhhhhhh…Mannn this was bloody painful…I felt this sudden sharp pain…I almost let out a cry...and as per the Doc she had hardly been able to check anything…and I was like what??? but it was so painful..sorry :(

That was when I had started to realize that I do not think I will be able to make through a normal delivery…I’m just not ready for it.

The Doc called my mom and Husband inside to explain the procedure and she also told my mom to prepare me in terms of delivery process and the pain involved…but somewhere I had already decided in my mind that I don’t want to go through any of it…I was really scared now.

So at night when I was finally taken to the hospital to get admitted…I was feeling a bit relaxed…thinking we will see whatever happens…I had tried to calm myself down and focus on the task at hand…the baby should be out safely.I had imagined myself pushing the baby a few times like they show in movies and every time I used to just shoo away the picture.

We got our room…I settled on my bed…they got me sandwiches and juice and it felt nice..but then started the never ending intrusion of nurses followed by doctors…and I was absolutely shocked by the invasion of privacy…some random nurse would come and suddenly start removing your pants like its like the most normal thing in the world...and all you can do is look shocked and nervous about what next are they going to insert in your bum or through your pelvis...this was berserk...where is that Man who lead me to this??

In my case...the process started like this :First they had to attach the monitor to keep a check on baby's heartbeat and contractions – trust me the heartbeat sound is no less than like a train passing by in full force…we could barely sleep that night with that thumping sound –  followed by a dose of enema right through my but and I was like shit....then it was induction time...OMG and little did I know it will be as painful as that earlier round of internal check up – I had the same reaction – like some reflex action – that’s when I got my second warning “You cant handle 2 fingers in there….how will you push a 3.5 kg baby out” and I was like yeah that’s exactly what I am thinking…and that was it…in my mind I had decided I’ll go for a c-sec…I do not want a normal delivery….I was scared that if I happen to react the same way on the delivery table…my baby is going to get stuck and I did not want to harm him cos I had issues dealing with this pain. My baby’s safety will be assured in  a c-sec and that’s the only thing that mattered to me.

I was told to wait till next morning  - to see if I get contractions else the doctor will recommend what is to be done next...the whole night I was praying that I should not get any contractions...though everyone else around me was hell bent on a normal delivery but I somehow felt so unsure about it that I did not want to take any risk and now it didn't matter what others wanted or thought was right.

The following morning...I was given a glass of juice and post that I was told to not have anything...that was a sign...they had also decided to go for a c-sec since I did not get any symptom of Labor or contractions...I told my mum what I had decided and she supported me...she knew me well in any case so thought it was best for me...Once the doctor was in...she asked me if I wanted to try induction again or if I would consider taking a break for 2-3 days and go for induction then to try for a normal delivery...I was like NO...I'm not going through this again...I know I won't be able to handle it...lets just get the operation done and get the baby out safely.I think everybody around me was a bit disappointed by this but I knew that what I am doing is right for me and my baby.

Around noon the nurse came in to take me to the OT...thats when I gulped to reassure myself..it will all be fine...I sat in the wheel chair and we were off...once in the OT...I had left myself in the hands of the people around...I did not want to think about anything...the injection in my back was bloody painful ....I was almost shivering by that time and I was really scared looking around the place...after I lied down I don't remember much except when the Doctor asked me - if I was feeing ok..and I could barely say Yes...and then she said "you'll hear the baby cry in 5 mins" and I was like yeah...like its that easy huh...but OMG!! It indeed happen...I did hear the cry in just about 5 minutes...and what a relief that cry gave me...I think I would have smiled a bit listening to it...I think I did :)